


Teach Me To Dream

by AshWinterGray



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Big Brother Steve Harrington, Broken Steve Harrington, Child Abuse, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Found Family, Hurt Steve Harrington, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Want To Reveal To Much, Protective Eleven | Jane Hopper, Sad Eleven | Jane Hopper, Sad Steve Harrington, Suicide Attempt, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-07 14:43:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18875290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshWinterGray/pseuds/AshWinterGray
Summary: Steve Harrington has to deal with a life-threatening concussion. And many other problems. Nightmares, terrible parents, his own thoughts. So much has happened, so much keeps helping. Steve wasn't sure what to do about it. Now, if only Barbara Holland would stop popping up in his dreams. Things would be so much better.Well, not really.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING:  
> -Mentions of suicide  
> -Suicidal thoughts  
> -Bullying leading to suicidal thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you guys know, there aren't really going to be chapter descriptions. It will give too much away.
> 
> But I should update a chapter once a day. Unless something happens.

            Just as soon as they had flared up, the lights of the Camaro died down, leaving Steve and the kids to pant and try to process what had just happened. The adrenaline was still high, all of them rather breathless, and that was a mistake. They didn’t know it then, would realize it in a few seconds, but it was a mistake to be that high strung. Even if the situation called for it.

            “Guys,” Max called, and Steve had not realized she had moved back towards the hole. “Guys, the tunnels are gone.”

            The other kids were suddenly rushing to the whole, but it was like Steve’s body had stopped functioning. On all levels. He hadn’t even realized he had dropped the bat until he managed to glance at it.

            “She did it,” Dustin laughed in relief. “She did it!”

            The kids had to stop their cheering as there was a sudden thud behind them. At first, they didn’t see anything. And then they realized they didn’t see anything. Racing out of the ditch, they came across Steve completely unconscious on the ground.

            “Steve,” Dustin was by Steve’s side in seconds. “Steve! Come on buddy! Wake up! Steve! Come on! Steve!”

            “He was fine,” Lucas was clearly hyperventilating. “He was just fine! What happened? What’s wrong with him?”

            “Did those things get him?” Max asked, looking around for something. “I don’t understand. Steve! Steve! Please! What’s wrong? Steve!”

            “Adrenaline,” Mike breathed, making the others turn to him. “He wasn’t fine, he was just high on adrenaline. The pain finally caught up with him.”

            “What do we do?” Dustin demanded. “What if he’s dying?”

            “Loud,” Steve grumbled out. “Too loud.”

            “Steve!” Dustin screamed, going back to shaking Steve like crazy. “Stay awake, buddy. Stay awake. Come on.”

            Steve didn’t respond, and the kids all began to panic. Steve was unconscious, they were in the middle of a farm, they had no idea if the others were alright or not, and everything was a mess. The Gate was closed. The tunnels were gone. And yet nothing was over. In fact, it seemed to get worse, as the group also realized that Dustin was covered in something sticky and Mike’s ankle was twisted. They weren’t sure how long they panicked.

            “We need to get back to the house!” Mike finally screamed over the others. “We get Steve in the car again, and Max drives us back! No arguments! Now go!”

            It was enough to spur the others into action, and with some difficulty, the got Steve into the car. Steve woke a few times, but never for long, and he mostly mumbled things they couldn’t understand. None of the kids had any idea as to why they hadn’t been pulled over yet, but they gladly spend illegally down the road.

            “Billy,” Lucas breathed as they got closer to the house.

            “I’ll handle it,” Max growled. “Just stay in the car.

            Pulling into the driveway, they could clearly see the two adults and two teens standing outside and arguing with Billy. They all turned to the car, and Max slid out with the bat.

            “You could have killed him!” Max screamed, racing at Billy. “He’s dying! You jerk! You could have killed him!”

            “Hopper!” Lucas burst out of the car. “It’s Steve.”

            Everything after that was a blur. Joyce ended up taking Will, Mike, Doctor Owens, and Steve to the hospital. Hopper took care of Billy and Max. Jonathan, Nancy, Dustin, and Lucas were stuck on clean-up duty. It was a terrible night, and they had school tomorrow. And Steve Harrington was literally dying.

\-----------------------------

            Three days later, Steve woke up, rather groggily, in a hospital room to the annoying sound of heart monitors. It made Steve his head pound, and it had already pounding when he woke up. Plus there was an annoyingly bright light that kept him from opening his eyes.

            “Steve,” an unfamiliar voice spoke gently.

            No, not unfamiliar. It juts took a while for his brain to catch up with the rest of his surroundings. He had heard the voice not long ago. The girl. Eleven. The one Mike was so clearly in love with. His eyes finally adjusted to the light, and Steve was greeted by the sight of a relieved Chief Hopper, a warmly smiling Eleven, and the blank faces of his parents. Ah. Those were not faces he wanted to see. His parents. Not that they really cared.

            “Happened?” Steve managed to croak out.

            “You don’t remember?” Hopper questioned, clearly nervous.

            Steve glanced at El as he shook his head, hoping to convey that he _did_ know what happened, but he wanted to know more. Or at least the cover story. At least his brain was somewhat working. Hopper seemed to get the message.

            “We went to go check on Will Byers,” Hopper stated. “Remember. Nancy talked you into car pooling with them so that all the kids could go. Some psycho broke in and attacked everyone. You got in their way and protected the kids.”

            “Oh,” Steve croaked out.

            El was suddenly hoping onto the edge of the bed and gripping Steve’s hand. Steve wasn’t sure what this girl’s powers were, but he was pretty sure she could sense his discomfort with his parents. She cast Hopper a pointed look, and Hopper left with a nod and claiming to go find the Doctor. His parents didn’t seem to care El was there as much as they had Hopper, and stepped forward.

            “We’re disappointed in you Steve,” his father quipped blandly. “This was a stupid act, and it never should have happened.”

            El’s grip tightened on Steve’s hand, shaking with a rage Steve could feel. But he looked his dad dead in the eyes, glaring as best he could.

            “I’d have rather died than let any of those kids die,” Steve stated, as firm as his scratchy voice would let him.

            His father huffed and left the room, followed by his mother. He sighed, glad that was over with. They’d be gone, back to work, within the next few hours. And after years of disappointment, Steve couldn’t say he cared.

            “Mouth Breathers,” El quipped.

            “You can say that again,” Steve huffed back. “Eleven, right? El?”

            “Yes,” El smiled back. “And you are Steve. You saved my friends.”

            Steve had to look El dead in the eyes. “I’d do it all again.”

            At that, El’s face crumpled. Steve was going to have to get used to a kid being able to read his mind because she could easily read between the lines. She got the implication behind those words, and that wasn’t a good thing.

            “Emergency contact,” El stated suddenly, turning towards the door and hoping off the bed. “He’s here too.”

            _Seriously?_

            Steve honestly couldn’t believe the guy would even show up. He hadn’t exactly talked to Steve in forever, and Steve hadn’t tried to talk to him. He’d been meaning to change his emergency contact for a while now after their falling out, but turning to the door, the guy was there.

            “Tommy,” Steve croaked, not quite sure what else to say.

            “Steve, you idiot,” Tommy hissed storming over to the bed and slapping Steve’s shoulder. Repeatedly. “You stupid, stupid idiot.”

            “Sorry,” Steve mumbled out. “Sorry.”

            “I thought you were going to die!” Tommy snapped, not meeting Steve’s gaze, but gripping Steve’s shoulder a little too tightly. “I got that call and I thought you were going to die. You stupid idiot.”

            “Sorry,” Steve stated again. “Really sorry.”

            “You idiot,” Tommy muttered, half-hearted now. “Just shut up.”

            “Sorry.”

            El climbed onto the bed on Steve’s other side. Judging by her expression, Tommy was not supposed to be in here while Tommy was here. But she was smiling without a care. She even shot Hopper a glare that clearly said do-not-interupt-this as the Chief came back into the room. Tommy just sat there gripping Steve’s shoulder and not meeting his gaze.

            “Sorry,” Steve muttered again. “So sorry.”

\------------------------------------

            Mike had a twisted ankle, and Will was exhausted. Dustin had been scrubbed down and tested for any Upside-Down infection. Billy Hargrove was sworn to secrecy, and Steve had personally told him he wasn’t going to press charges unless he opened his mouth.

            The official story was this: Will Byers had been getting trauma after going missing (most people knew this). The “Russian Girl” was a spy (another known thing). What wasn’t known was that the “Russian Girl” had gotten information and an attack came upon Hawkins Lab for its military research. At the same time Will was getting help for a really bad panic attack, and his friends were visiting. Most made it out unscathed, and Steve protected the kids at the cost of his own life.

            Many of the parents had a panic attacks, and then the news of Barb’s death did not help the people of Hawkins. Karen Wheeler had a few choice words for Chief Hopper and Doctor Owens, but she thanked Steve for saving her son. And even though he and Nancy had broken up, he was welcome at their house anytime he needed. Billy Hargrove corned Steve later and asked how much was true. Steve looked him in the eye and said they had “only gone to Hawkins Lab after they realized the threat”. Billy nodded, didn’t apologize, but didn’t do much else. Steve was in the hospital for a month. But the biggest change was at his empty home.

            “Slowly,” Carol cooed gently. “Slowly. You don’t want to pass out because you stood up too fast again.”

            Tommy and Carol were back in Steve’s life, oddly enough. Shortly after waking in the hospital, with El still by his side, Tommy had looked Steve dead in the eye and asked a question.

_“It was never just Nancy, was it?’_

_“No. I can’t tell you more than that.”_

_“He saved us,” El had stated. “At the cost of his life. Last year too.”_

            That was all Tommy had needed to hear. After that, Tommy was at Steve’s side as often as he could, and Carol came along eventually too. El held the record for staying by Steve’s side the longest. She had been in the cabin too long, so Hopper had deemed her as “Steve’s protector” so she could stay out.

            “Come on, Stevie,” Tommy teased, but lightly, almost worried. “Don’t get lost in that head again. It’s too empty for that.”

            Steve chuckled, taking careful steps as he moved. It would be really bad if he passed out just by standing, which he had done last week. Much to his embarrassment. But Tommy and Carol had stayed by his side. Like they used too.

            _“Promise me you won’t torment Jonathan and Nancy,” Steve had told Tommy one day in the hospital. “Please. Promise me you’ll leave them alone. Let them be happy.”_

_“Steve,” Tommy sighed. “You deserve to be happy too.”_

_Steve shook his head. “That’s not the point,” he insisted. “Jonathan makes her happy in a way I never could. In a way you make Carol. I’m not that person. And I love her, I do, but she loves Jonathan. And as long as she is happy then that is all I can ask for.”_

_Tommy sighed, staring at Steve in exasperation. “Fine,” Tommy dramatized. “Fine. But only because you asked nicely. I promise we won’t torment Jonathan and Nancy.”_

“You’ve got to try to stomach something, Steve,” Tommy instructed gently. “The medicine will make your stomach upset if you don’t.”

            Steve nodded hesitantly as Tommy and Carol guided him into the kitchen and into a chair. Eating hadn’t been easy, but he was eating more. The concussion was awful, and the doctors weren’t sure if he would be able to do sports again. He’d been surviving on chicken broth and liquids as of recently, but the doctor had said he needed to eat more solid foods. Which meant a lot of eggs and grilled cheese that wouldn’t always stay down.

            “Eat what you can, Stevie,” Carol soothed gently.

            “Oh, yeah,” Tommy stated suddenly. “That kid called. The curly haired nerd. He’s going to be stopping by tomorrow.”

            “Dustin,” Steve corrected.

            “Right, right,” Tommy nodded, grinning and moving to mess up his friend’s limp hair. “Dustin. Alright. Don’t worry. We’ll be nice. I promise.”

            _“So,” Dustin began when he got to see Steve in the hospital. “Why was Tommy your emergency contact?”_

_“Reasons,” Steve said._

_El shot Steve a look that Steve ignored. They still hadn’t talked about the confrontation with his parents, and she hadn’t told Hopper yet either. Thank goodness._

_“O-kay,” Dustin drawled. “I thought you guys stopped talking with each other.”_

_“People fight,” Steve shrugged absently. “Friends fight. Tommy and I may not have been the best of people, he technically still isn’t. But he’s like my brother. We grew up together. We still care about each other. Like you care about your friends.”_

_Dustin nodded, accepting the explanation but not quite convinced that Tommy actually cared._

            “Personally, I like Ellie better,” Tommy stated as prompted Steve to eat a bit more of the grilled cheese. “And that Max girl. At least they’re cool.”

            Ellie was what Carol had dubbed El when she met the little girl. She said El was a cool name, but Ellie was cool her. El had beamed and now Carol, Tommy, and Steve were the only one’s allowed to call her Ellie. She’d nearly chucked something at Dustin when he tried. _With her mind._

            “They’re all cool in their own way,” Steve chuckled. “They stood up to Russians. Saved a bunch of people. I think that makes them pretty cool, even if they are nerds.”

            “Whatever you say, Steve,” Tommy chuckled, taking the rest of the sandwich Steve couldn’t finish. “Whatever you say.”

            _“Tommy and Carol are your family,” El stated. “Like Hop and my friends are mine.”_

_“Yeah,” Steve nodded, not sure where this conversation was going. “What’s up Ellie?”_

_“Your parents aren’t your family,” El said, looking Steve dead in the eyes. “Tommy and Carol are. We are.”_

_“It doesn’t work that way El,” Steve whispered._

_“My momma is my momma, and she is family, but I don’t stay with her,” El stated. “She can’t protect me. But she gave birth to me. She is my momma, but not my family. Papa raised me, but he is not my family. My sister, Kali, was raised beside me, and she is my sister, but she is not my family.”_

_Steve’s mouth felt dry. “What are you saying kid?”_

_“Family is not what the dictionary says,” El tapped the giant book. “It was those who love you. It is your friends. Your home.”_

There, between Tommy and Carol, Steve was willing to accept El’s definition of family. Because he felt loved and cared for. But deep down, he didn’t think he deserved it. El knew this, had read his mind when he had just kept staring at her. She didn’t yet know enough words to teach Steve otherwise.

            “Speak of the devil,” Tommy laughed as El zipped into the house.

            But Steve knew she would try.

            “Oh, Ellie!” Carol gasped. “Look at your hair. It’s so pretty. That conditioner is doing wonders.”

            El beamed at Carol, letting the older girl run her hands through her hair. Then she turned to Steve.

            “You need to eat more,” she told Steve flatly.

            “El,” Hopper called from further in the house, sounding rather exasperated. “We’ve talked about this. You can’t just charge into people’s houses.”

            “Steve isn’t people,” El called back. “Steve is a friend. And Dustin says it is okay to barge into friend’s houses.”

            Hopper made a sound of complete exasperation as Tommy and Carol laughed. Steve smiled at Hopper as the older man walked into the kitchen.

            “You look awful kid,” Hopper muttered as he patted Steve’s shoulder.

            “Thanks,” Steve stated. “I try.”

            Hopper chuckled, though it almost sounded sad. Then Steve was pulled against Hopper’s chest, almost like a hug. Steve had never really been hugged by anyone but Nancy and El before, so it felt funny. A good funny though. Steve also realized he really needed to make sure El stopped reading his mind. Honestly, her pained looks were not helping him.

            “You need to eat more, kid,” Hopper stated, not pulling away yet.

            “Can’t keep it down yet,” Steve mumbled back. “Makes me sick.”

            “I know,” Hopper sighed. “I know. But you’ll get better. Okay? You’ll be okay.”

            Steve nodded.

            “Speaking of getting better,” Hopper stated, pulling back just a little so that Steve could still relax against Hopper. It felt safe that way, and Hopper knew that. “The conditioner has really helped her hair, and I was hoping I could ask a favor.”

            “Depends on the favor,” Carol shrugged. “What’s up?”

            “El wants to go to the Snow Ball,” Hopper said, and El’s head whipped towards him wide eyed. “And I am no fashion expert. I was hoping you could help her out a bit.”

            “Of course,” Carol grinned. “I know just where to get her a dress. And I’m sure I can find a way to make this hair cooperate. I’d be glad to help.”

            Hopper seemed relieved. Carol and Tommy didn’t know why, had chosen not to ask because it made Steve upset, but they had accepted the fact that El was a secret. A very close-knit secret. They also seemed to realize they weren’t supposed to know about El, but they said nothing about it and just seemed content to know bits of what happened to Steve.

            “Thanks,” Hopper nodded. “Sorry we can’t stay long. It’s been a long day, and I promised El I would get burgers tonight or we would join you guys for dinner.” He paused for a moment. “And you need to eat more Steve.”

            Steve grunted, hugged El goodbye, and then leaned into Carol.

            “Come on, Steve,” Tommy prompted. “I know we can’t make you eat anymore, so let’s get you to bed.”

            Steve stood up slowly. He just wanted this concussion to go away.

\------------------------

            It wasn’t bitterness, Steve realized as he saw Nany through the door. It wasn’t spite. It wasn’t anger or longing. It was just a sort of pain. He wasn’t over her, and he knew that, but he had hoped it would stop hurting. Then again, he’d never committed to a real relationship before, and he’d never seen a real relationship before either. Well, that wasn’t true. Tommy and Carol were a real relationship, and he’d seen them break up once. It wasn’t pretty.

            The point was, Steve still felt a pang of something whenever he saw Nancy, or Nancy and Jonathan, and he realized that it was never going away. Sighing, he looked away from the entrance of the Snow Ball and drove off.

            Tommy was going to kill him for driving, but he had promised Dustin he would take him.

            He was making a loop around the parking lot in the back so he could leave when a familiar blue Camaro pulled up and blocked Steve’s exit. Steve froze, slightly horror stricken as Billy Hargrove got out of the car, a cocky grin on his face. It was probably a stupid decision, but Steve got out of the car.

            “Harrington,” Billy grinned, just as cocky as that night.

            “Hargrove,” Steve said back, firmly. As firmly as he dared.

            “Heard you were supposed to be on bed rest,” Billy’s grin got bigger. “Doesn’t appear that way, now does it.”

            Steve could taunt back. Could through an insult. But he was just so tired of being thrown around, manipulated, abused. He was just so _tired_. So he doesn’t respond, just leans against his car and tries to keep his breath even.

            “You ignoring me now?” Billy taunted brightly. “Ah, little Stevie doesn’t want to play.”

            Steve still didn’t respond. Just sighed and shut his eyes. His own mistake. In the matter of seconds, Billy’s arm was across his throat, cutting off his air supply, and his head was banged against the side of the car. The stars were not helping.

            “Come on, Harrington,” Billy laughed. “You can’t honestly think those kids care about you. That Tommy and Carol care about you. It’s only pity. No one wants you, Harrington. They don’t deserve your pity. Even your own parents know that. It’s why they were so disappointed.”

            Billy let go, and Steve dropped to the ground, coughing up his lungs and trying to get rid of the new pain in his head.

            “Face it, Harrington,” Billy’s voice washed over him, speaking words Steve himself had considered. “You’d be better off gone. Maybe even dead.”

            And as Billy left, a part of Steve feared the other guy may even be right. Perhaps everyone would be better off if he was dead. After all, his own parents were nothing but disappointed in him.

            He was a waste of space.

            A failure.

            Worthless.

            _Better off dead._

            Somewhere beyond Steve’s own mind, the Camaro sped off. But Steve didn’t move. Not for a long time. He didn’t move again until the sound of children leaving the dance rang out. The spots had cleared, and he could breathe again. So he took Dustin home.

            He got home that night to an empty house. Tommy and Carol had gone on a date, which normally meant they wouldn’t be back until the next afternoon. Mechanically, Steve went for a knife in the kitchen and just sort of stared at it. He didn’t do it that night, didn’t use the knife, but he shoved it under his mattress before he went to sleep.

            _Too much of a coward to go through with it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally finished this book, and it only took me two months!!!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Suicide Attempt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter (and technically this book) is dedicated to harringrovecryptic whose lovely story "Mother I Can Here You" inspired a part of this book. I recommend you check it out.

            “You won’t do it,” El stated firmly, watching Steve hold the knife. “You won’t.”

            El had just sort of, shown up. He’d had the knife to his wrist, ready to cut. And then she was just sort of there, as if by magic. Or had she walked in? Steve couldn’t remember. The knife had just been so tempting, as if calling to him from under the mattress. He wasn’t even sure how long it had been there. He could just here it calling to him.

            “It would be better for everyone,” Steve found himself saying.

            Were those really his words? They felt right, and yet wrong at the same time. That bothered Steve a bit. What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he move? Why couldn’t he look at El?

            “No,” El stated firmly. “It would not.”

            “You can’t say that El,” his mouth was moving on his own. What was going on? Was he possessed? He had to stop this. These words weren’t his. He didn’t want this. “You hardly know me. Just ask anyone else. I’d be better off dead.”

            “I care because you are my brother,” El snapped. “You are my family. And you know it. You are our brother. You don’t have to do this.”

            “I do,” Steve stated.

            As if moving on his own, Steve moved to slit his wrists. There was the sound of glass shattering and someone screaming. He couldn’t tell if it was El or himself. But there was screaming, so much screaming. And hands were suddenly grabbing him, and he finally realized he was screaming, and-

            “Steve,” a voice called. Shaking him. “Steve! Come on, man! Wake up! Wake up! Come on! Steve!”

            Steve’s eyes flew open as he looked at Tommy, the concern on his friend’s face was like a slap to the face. Not pity. Never pity. Never from Tommy. Billy was wrong. He turned to Carol, who was gripping him on his side. Nothing but concern.

            “Tommy,” he wheezed out like a plea, though he had no idea what he was asking. “Tommy. Carol. Tommy.”

            “We’re here,” Carol cooed, wrapping Steve in her arms as Tommy kept gripping Steve’s arm. “We’re here. Nothing’s wrong. We’re here. You’re safe. It’s fine.”

            “No,” Steve shook his head, tears uncontrollably streaming down his face. “No, I was going to do it. I was going to do it. El stopped me. I was going to do it.”

            Tommy and Carol had never looked at him with pity. Not once. Not when his parents called him a disappointment, not when his father beat him around in front of them, not when he failed a test, not when Nancy broke up with him. Never pity. He was stupid to believe Billy. He wasn’t sure about the others, but Tommy and Carol had proven they cared about Steve over and over again. It was never just pity.

            “Steve,” Tommy probed. “What were you going to do? What’s wrong?”

            “The mattress,” Steve whimpered out. “Between the mattress. Please. Just get rid of it. Please. I don’t want to do it. Please. I’m sorry.”

            Hesitantly, as if Tommy knew what he was going to find, Tommy reached between the mattress. His face became that of a person who was chocking on words as he obviously grabbed the handle. And ever so slowly, he pulled it out. Steve didn’t dare look at Tommy or Carol as the knife glinted into view.

            “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he sobbed over and over, unable to breathe.

            The knife clattered to the ground and Tommy suddenly wrapped his arms around Steve, as Carol pulled them both tighter. Carol was sobbing as hard as Steve, begging Steve not to do something like that ever again. Begging him to stay with them after they just got him back. And Tommy, though he tried not to, let a few stray tears fall as he whispered stupid phrases like “we’re here” and “we love you” and “you’re my brother” and “please don’t go”. Steve could only find the strength to apologize. Over and over again.

            They took Steve into the woods late that night and buried the knife together.

            “I can’t promise I won’t try again,” Steve told them as they guided him back. “I wish I could. But I can’t. I’m sorry.”

            Neither Tommy or Carol could say anything to that, but Carol leaned into Steve, and Tommy viscously swiped at his eyes.

            “It’s not your fault-”

            “Don’t you _dare_ say that,” Tommy snapped. “We left you. And I realize what we did to Nancy was stupid and uncalled for, but we should have noticed you were off after that day. We should have seen. Darn it, Steve, you’re my brother, and I didn’t even see it.”

            “I didn’t want you too,” Steve muttered. “I never wanted anyone to see that what happened affected me. Someone had to keep a level head and make sure no one else slipped up, and Chief Hopper wasn’t helping like he said he was going to, so I stepped up.”

            They stopped at the pool. Well, Steve stopped, stared at it. He hadn’t really liked to touch it since that night.

            “Barb died here,” Steve whispered. “She died _right_ here.”

            Barb who would never grow up. Barb, who Nancy believed they killed. But all this time, Steve was the one who really killed her. The knife. The blood. The monsters. _Stealing Nancy away from her best friend._ In the end, it was all his fault. He hurt Jonathan too, and he never really apologized for that night either. Too busy in having Will back and fighting monsters. So much of it had been his fault. Maybe things would have been different.

            “Let’s get you inside,” Carol hummed softly. “I can make hot chocolate. And we can watch old movies until we fall asleep.”

            Steve nodded because that sounded fantastic, and Steve was exhausted, and Carol knew how to make an amazing hot chocolate. He really needed Carol’s hot chocolate.

\--------------------------------

            “You’re not going to tell them, are you?”

            Steve shook his head as he pushed the eggs around on his plate. Tommy and Carol had been arguing about taking him to the hospital again, especially after he almost collapsed when he woke up that morning. But they knew they couldn’t just force Steve to go. Not without hurting him.

            “Will you tell us why?” Carol probed, keeping her voice soft.

            Steve gave a tired shrug. “Billy was right. I’m just a disappointment. A burden. You don’t need me around.”

            “Wait. Billy Hargrove?” Tommy snapped. “ _He’s_ the reason you nearly killed yourself?”

            “I’ve been thinking about it for a long time,” Steve shrugged again. He couldn’t meet their gaze. “Still couldn’t do it last night after Billy spoke the truth. It doesn’t matter. I was too much of a coward to do it anyways. Could only do it in my dreams.”

            “Steve,” Carol whispered, suddenly grabbing his hand. “We just got you back. You can’t just leave us. Not again.”

            And Tommy, well, Tommy was suddenly hugging Steve. But before Steve could process what was happening, Tommy pulled away and made for the door. Carol made a face, but said nothing, simple prompted Steve to eat a bit more. Steve said nothing in return.

            Carol had managed to get Steve to do homework after he ate his eggs, carefully helping Steve through everything. Neither of them was the best at it, but they tried. And considering Steve still had a slight concussion, he figured he was doing okay. The knock on the door startled them a bit because both knew Tommy had a key.

            “Hi!” Tina grinned at a surprised Carol and Steve. “I hope this isn’t a bad time. I just figured you could probably use help on the English homework essay. You know, with a concussion and all. And no offense, Carol, but you suck at English.”

            Carol huffed but she grinned as Vicki appeared behind Carol too. Carol, Tina, and Vicki were great friends. Always had been even when Carol liked to hang out with Tommy and Steve more than them.

            “Okay,” Tina clapped pushing past them both. “Oh, good, you’ve already started. Okay, so this essay is one of those stupid ones where you have those stupid hidden questions within the prompt. So let me just start by breaking those apart for you.”

            “Did you invite them?” Steve whispered to Carol.

            Carol shook her head. “Tina was talking about this essay at school the other day,” she explained after giving Vicki a hug. “That’s why I wanted you to start it now because it’s due after break. And knowing you, you’ll need the break to do it.”

            Steve wanted to be angry, but even he could feel his scowl was more life a smile. Carol just patted his head like a puppy and tugged him into the living room.

            “I brought you up,” Carol continued. “Because, you know, you have English with her, and essays were never your strong suit. Math is you better subject. Let’s be honest. And I said something along those lines in our conversation.”

            “And there is no way you can flunk this class!” Tina exclaimed as she shifted through what Steve and Carol already had. “Especially with your concussion and everything. So I asked if I could tutor you, and the teacher said that was a great idea.”

            Tutor? Steve had never actually considered getting a tutor before. Sure, he wasn’t the best at classes, but he wasn’t terrible either. He had told Nancy he passed chemistry with a C- but his father would have killed him. He’d gotten a B, nearly an A, in that class. But it was always the writing part that always got him, and his teachers knew this. And it had gotten better when he dated Nancy, but she had still been wrapped up in Barb.

            “Okay, so there is a difference between college/history essays, and then English essays,” Tina began to explain. “English teachers in high school and middle schools only want two things. To see that you can research and organize the research, and to see how much you are willing to write. So in this case, more is better. In a college essay, or a history essay, you want to do research, organize the research, and make it still make sense. While following the page limit. But this is English for high school, so we’re going to write more and then organize the more.”

            “But won’t the teachers get headache’s if you write more?” Steve asked skeptically.

            “Yes,” Tina grinned. “But they don’t exactly read everything. Not really. If you’re lucky, some teachers will read a few sentences, skim for grammar, and then check citation.”

            That was odd, but Steve wasn’t going to question it as Tina and Vicki suddenly started to pull out library books. They talked him through how to take notes and the purpose of a first draft. Which was nice. And by the time Steve was writing everything down, with Carol’s help so his head wouldn’t swim, it was past noon, and Carol was talking about going to get them lunch.

            “Don’t go to Benny’s,” Vicki whined. “The burgers haven’t been the same since Benny’s suicide.”

            Steve flinched at that. El had told him about Benny, what really happened to the guy. It made Steve shutter to think that anyone of them could have their own death faked and no one would be the wiser. Carol was shooting Tina and Vicki looks, silently instructing them to drop the subject.

            “I was more thinking along the lines of McDonalds,” Carol stated, moving the subject along. “The one outside town though. They make the burgers better there.”

            “That’s an understatement,” Tina quipped.

            The front door flew open with a thud and slammed with a bang, and a furious, beaten Tommy stormed into the room. Tommy stopped in front of Steve.

            “If he ever messes with you again, Steve Harrington, you tell me,” Tommy jabbed Steve in the chest. “Because I was nice this time, but I will kill him.”

            Steve blinked, unsure what to say. But his hand reached up to brush against a cut on Tommy’s forehead. Carol was cradling Tommy’s face, asking if he was alright rather frantically. Tommy just chuckled and buried his head in her hair.

            “I’m fine,” Tommy stated. “Really. Nothing permanent.”

            Steve wasn’t sure what to say to that. At all.

\-----------------------

            “I was there,” El told Steve. “In your dream. With the knife. I saw it happen, but I wasn’t there.”

            Steve understood what her limited vocabulary was trying to say. They’d had the same experience. Both of them in a situation neither of them could control. In Steve’s dream. Hopper had gotten wind of the public fight Tommy and Billy had, and was currently arguing with the guy while Steve was locked into his room. With El. Who was making sure he couldn’t hear what was being discussed downstairs.

            “I’m sorry,” Steve whispered. “You shouldn’t have had to see that.”

            El made a face. “Dustin says it’s dumb to apologize for things you didn’t do. Says it makes you really sad all the time. De-dep-dep-?”

            “Depressed,” Steve tried. “It makes you depressed.”

            El nodded. “Depressed,” she tried the word. “Are you depressed?”

            Steve shrugged. He didn’t know. Wasn’t sure. Maybe he was depressed, and maybe he had been for a long time. El just sort of nodded at his side.

            “You should tell Hop,” El said.

            About what? His parents? Billy? His depression? His stupid life? His grades? None of that was really all that important, especially not to Hopper. Hopper had his own daughter to take care of, he didn’t need to worry about some ragtag teen who messed everything up in his own life. He couldn’t go to the kids, he couldn’t tell Jonathan and Nancy, and he certainly wasn’t going to throw his own problems on a struggling Joyce Byers. No, Steve wasn’t going to tell them anything.

            A knock came on the bedroom door and Hopper opened it, looking grim. Steve had no doubt that Tommy and Carol had brought up the knife.

            “Hey, kid,” Hopper let out a breath like a sigh. “How you holding up?”

            Steve shrugged. He really did not want to beat around the bush right now.

            “So, Joyce has invited El and I to dinner on Saturday,” Hopper stated, his voice becoming a little more chipper. “She’d like everyone to be there, but things happen. She asked if I could invite you over. You know, free food, movies, maybe some board games. The usual.”

            “Chief,” Steve shook his head. “I don’t think-”

            “Great!” Hopper grinned at him, ruffling his hair. “We’ll get you around five-thirty or so. But I do suggest you shower a bit. Joyce probably would not appreciate you stinking up the place.”

            “Hopper,” Steve tried. “No, I can’t just-”

            “Steve,” Hopper placed a hand on the boy’s rather boney shoulder. “You’ve practically shut yourself off from the rest of us. That’s not good for you, in fact, that can be dangerous. We just want to look out for you. And no offense to Tommy and Carol, but neither of them can cook.”

            Steve snorted at that. He had always been the one to cook whenever his friends showed up, so he could attest to their failure in the kitchen. Plus, he had been living off eggs, grilled cheese, and oatmeal for the last few weeks. Nearly a month.

            “Just food if that’s all you want to stay for,” Hopper probed.

            “Will is jealous,” El suddenly piped up, making Steve very confused. “All his other friends have had ‘fun times with Steve’ and you don’t even talk to him.”

            Steve honestly couldn’t tell if she was joking or not. But she had those adorable puppy dog eyes, shinning brightly at him with hope and excitement. Not innocence though, Steve was sure of that. No, Steve had seen this same look in the kid’s eyes, in Jonathan’s eyes, in Nancy’s eyes after getting justice. Not innocence, but life.

            “Fine,” Steve sighed. “I’ll join you Saturday.”

            “Alright, that’s settled,” Hopper grinned. “Now, Steve, I realize you hate bothering people. I do, believe me, but if you ever need anything. If Billy Hargrove ever tries anything like that again. If anything ever happens, call me, alright?”

            “You don’t need to get involved,” Steve took his head. “It’s not worth it.”

            “Steve,” Hopper gripped his arm. “Anything. If anything happens, you call me.”

            There was no room for arguing in that statement. Steve had heard that tone before, knew what it meant. So he kept his mouth shut, giving a sharp nod.

            “But seriously, Harrington,” Hopper gruffed as he stood up. “You really need a shower.”

            A floating towel wacked Steve in the face and Steve turned to El with a look of betrayal. “I do not smell _that_ bad.”

            A thing of soup from the bathroom landed in Steve’s lap next and Steve grumbled about picky kids and stupid shower schedules. El proceeded to whack him in the face with a wash cloth next before she burst out laughing at Steve’s betrayed look. Even Hopper has to snort back a chuckle as Steve continues to grumble on his way to the shower.

            When he finally got out of the shower, Tommy was sitting outside the door. He studied Steve for a few moments, as if trying to find something Steve couldn’t see. Then he smiled, that stupid mischievous smile he often smiled when they were all going to end up doing something stupid. Tommy then proceeded to pull out some lighter fluid.

            “Let’s burn your pool,” Tommy stated.

            Steve was far too concussed for this. He joined Tommy, Carol, Tina, and Vicki anyways. El joined them too, watching the flames with a sense of peace knowing it would keep the monsters away. Hopper just watched them with a disdained look on his face from inside the house.

            Part of Steve wondered if Barb found just as much peace in this as he did. The fire kept the monsters away, and Barb had been taken in this very pool by the monsters. Perhaps this was a way of closure for both Steve and Barb. He’d tell Nancy about it the next time he saw her. Maybe she would be at ease too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of people talk about college stress. May I make a suggestion?
> 
> Yes... okay
> 
> Community College is actually not that bad, in fact, most adults think you are a geniuses to be going there before a full on University. Not only can you get an associates degree (which will help you find a job because it is still a degree, my friend became a nurse at a dentist office with just an associates), but you can make friends with people nearby. The stress level isn't as high as regular university either, and for people with a mental problem (like ADD, ADHD, or any other because I am having a brain fart) it's a lot easier to work through. They don't care what classes you take either, so you can experiment while you are there till you find something you like. 
> 
> Community college doesn't mean you are dumb, it just means you are taking a step to become you. 
> 
> (Plus the food is ten times more affordable for the poor broke college kids, and they have free food quite often).


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Suicidal thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you waiting for Barb... she will be here in the next chapter. I promise.

            Steve really hated how quickly time could go slow when you wanted it to speed up, and yet speed up when you wanted it to go slow. Before he knew it, Saturday was around the corner. It probably didn’t help that his almost suicide was Wednesday night, then he had a talk all through Thursday, and the proceeded to just power nap Friday away. Then again, he’d learned a long time ago that plans normally never worked for him. He was the action kind of guy because that was how he survived.

            Survived. Not lived. Never lived. At least, not by Nancy definition.

            “Slow,” El grumbled as she tried to pull Steve out the door as Tommy and Carol laughed. Steve was doing it on purpose, planting his feet so she would have to tug. She knew it too because she couldn’t help but grin at Steve’s efforts. “Slow. Come on. Stop being slow.”

            “I don’t wanna,” Steve huffed playfully, trying to fight his own grin. Then that grin became devilish. “Carry me Ellie.”

            El squealed as Steve flopped on top of her, putting enough weight so she couldn’t get up (without her powers) but not enough to crush her. But, thinking about it, Steve wasn’t exactly all that heavy anymore since he’d lost so much weight. So when El shoved him off without powers, he wasn’t all that surprised. Just laughed and ignored the concerned looks from Tommy, Carol and Hopper.

            “Okay, okay,” Steve grinned. “I’ll stop being slow.”

            El grinned as she pulled Steve up. This time, he let her drag him to the car without any resistance. The driver was rather silent as El flipped through the stations, and Hopper clearly didn’t want to be the one to say anything. Not that Steve minded. He was still trying to figure out why he was there. And he still hadn’t come up with an answer when they finally pulled up to the Byers. El was practically tripping over herself to get out of the car, eagerly throwing open Steve’s door and practically dragging him out.

            “Calm down, kid,” Hopper chuckled. “Steve isn’t going anywhere but in the house.”

            El did not look like she believed Hopper and continued to tug Steve closer to the house as the older boy grinned. In one fell swoop, Steve lifted El in his arms and spun her around in circles. Her squeals of delight must have been pretty loud because Will was suddenly on the porch watching with wide eyes, and Jonathan was relaxing behind his brother. Steve grinned sheepishly at them as he carried El to the door, the girl still giggling.

            “Sorry,” he muttered to the two Byers boys. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.”

            “You can put me down now,” El looked up at Steve.

            “Nah,” Steve grinned, turning his attention back to El. “I don’t feel like it. I’m just going to carry you.”

            “No,” El squealed playfully as Steve swung her around again. “Help me, Will!”

            “What?” Will gapped.

            But Steve had just sort of smirked devilishly before he shifted El to one arm and grabbed Will with the other. He spun them around a few more times before settling them down on the floor, laughing with Jonathan as they stumbled from the dizziness. Then a cushion from the couch hit Steve in the face, and the three were racing around the yard, Steve chasing the other two with empty threats. It probably wasn’t a good idea to run or spin with a concussion, but Steve was a little too happy to care.

            “Alright, alright,” Joyce called into the yard with a smile. “Come on. Come inside. It’s time to eat.”

            El and Will eagerly raced to the house, still bursting with energy, and Steve hunched over himself to catch his breath before heading for the house at a slower pace.

            “Slow!” El accused from the porch.

            “Whatever you say, kid,” Steve snarked back as the two kids disappeared into the house.

            And quite suddenly, Steve was in the welcoming embrace of Joyce Byers. She held him for a bit, the door having been shut at some point so that it was just them. Steve hugged her back, not quite sure what to make of this. He wondered if this was the type of hug a mother was supposed to give their child.

            “Thank you.”

            Steve wasn’t sure what he was being thanked for, until Joyce pulled back to cup his face in her palms. There was so much relief on Joyce’s face, and her smile was more genuine than Steve had seen in a long time. For once, she didn’t look tired. It took a moment, but it suddenly hit Steve what he was being thanked for;

            _He made Will Byers laugh and play._

            Steve had to wonder when the last time Will had been that carefree was. He wondered how little those moments came to the Byers family.

            “Any time,” Steve smiled back, opening the door for Joyce to enter first.

\----------------------------------

            Joyce Byers, as Steve learned, could not cook for the life of her. She was rather embarrassed when the vegetables were a bit over cooked, and the meat wasn’t cooked enough, and the potatoes weren’t the best. Steve tried to brush it off, and Will just pointed out that none of them were great cooks.

            “Steve is,” El pipped up, and Steve shot her a look. “He’s really good. Tommy and Carol say he’s the best.”

            Steve was about to try and brush it off, not wanting to offend anyone, but then Joyce was kind of giving him a look that just screamed _help_! So, Steve took the meat and shoved it in the oven for a bit longer, effectively setting the timer. He then took the vegetables and shoved them in a pot telling Joyce that boiling was better and could save veggies with a bit of pepper, salt, and garlic. Then he began to whip the potatoes as they waited for the ham and veggies to cook until the potatoes weren’t runny.

            “This is so much better,” Joyce sighed in relief as she tasted the veggies. “Thank you so much.”

            “Practice makes perfect,” Steve shrugged with a sheepish grin. “The ham should be done in two minutes of you want to grab everyone together again.”

            Joyce nodded and went to grab the others as Steve moved the veggies back into their bowl. He turned at the sound of a click to see Jonathan with his camera raised. Jonathan caught Steve staring and looked a little hesitant, scared. Steve had to fight back a wince at the memory of breaking Jonathan’s camera. So, instead, he grinned.

            “You didn’t get my good side,” Steve teased before he draped himself over the counter beside the vegetables.

            This time, Jonathan grinned and raised the camera to take another picture. Of course, that was when Hopper walked back into the room, and he took in the scene with an array of questioning glances. Neither Steve nor Jonathan could hold back their laughter.

            “I don’t want to know,” Hopper muttered. “I really do not want to know.”

            Dinner was odd because it was literally filled with stupid chatter about nothing and everything at the same time. Steve had never had a meal like this before, though Tommy and Carol came close. But this was different, and even when he had dinner with the Wheeler’s the chatter was never this care-free.

            _Natural_.

            That was the best word Steve could think to describe all of this. The conversation and dynamic felt so natural, and it made Steve feel at ease. He felt included too, as if he had always been a part of this family. But that thought made his stomach do funny things, so he ignored it in favor of letting the feeling rest over him. Because it was nicer than anything he had ever felt before.

            “El is staying here tonight,” Joyce told Steve as they finished cleaning up. “You’re welcome to stay too if you wish.”

            Hopper was staying too, Steve could tell by the bag of clean clothes Hopper had tried to “sneak” into the house. It would be nice to not be home, and even the Byers monster-prone-house was better than his house. But…

            “No,” Steve shook his head, offering a smile. “I’m still behind on homework, and I’ve got to get that done.” It was a bold-faced lie, Tina and Vicki had got him more than caught up. “I’m just going to head home. I’ll be alright. Don’t worry.”

            Joyce didn’t say anything, just sort of pursed her lips and put away the last clean dish. She was down the hallway in the next few seconds, and that left Steve alone in the kitchen. With no one in the living room either, Steve slipped out the door to head for home. Of course, no one was just going to let him leave, and Jonathan was quickly grabbing his arm and leading him towards his car.

            “Dustin wants to know if he can have a sleepover with you at his house,” Jonathan tossed out casually.

            And for some reason, Steve didn’t think he was going to have a choice in the matter. Sure enough, Jonathan was pulling up to the Henderson house, and Dustin was already bolting out the door. Mrs. Henderson, and Steve had only met her twice, was smiling in the doorway.

            “Woah, Dustin, woah,” Steve laughed as Dustin barreled into him. “Calm down, buddy.”

            “But this is going to be so much fun!” Dustin gushed, far too excited. “Tommy and Carol said you would love it.”

            Of course they would. As far as Steve could tell, his two friends had practically planned everything out for him. With an amused wave from Jonathan, Steve let Dustin drag him into the house.

            The night itself was a blur, but Steve could honestly say he felt happy. Content. Relieved. It was almost like a breath of fresh air to have a _normal_ moment, even if he woke up the next morning completely out of it on the Henderson’s couch.

            “Hey, Steve,” Dustin grinned as Steve began to move. “My mom left some food for you. I’m going to go heat it up. Oh, and Tommy called. He said he’s got to go pick up a something, so Vicki and Tina are gonna get you. Carol said you need to finish an essay or something.”

            Yeah. That was due soon.

\-----------------------------------

            The “thing” Tommy and Carol had to pick up turned out to be a tree. A _Christmas_ Tree, and a lot of other Christmas decorations. Steve hadn’t really ever decorated his house for Christmas before because there was normally almost no one here to celebrate with. Tommy and Carol knew this, so he was a bit surprised.

            But then El came in behind them, carrying a box, looking way too excited.

            “Christmas Party,” El beamed, practically bouncing in place.

            Steve shot Tommy a look as his “best friend” tried to hide a smug smile behind a thing of glass ornaments. And even Vicki and Tina seemed to be in on this plan too. Thankfully, Carol, who was much better at soothing things over, was the one to speak up.

            “Come on, Stevie,” she probes gently, tugging him back into the living room and throwing tinsel over his shoulder. “Ellie’s never had a Christmas party. It will just be a few of us, no big party. Not this time. Just your kids, their families, and the four of us. Unless you want us to invite Nicole, too? She’s fun.”

            “We could even do a white elephant gift exchange,” Tommy pipped up.

            “White elephant?” El asked, clearly confused.

            Tommy and Carol both pointed at El as if that proved their point. And, much to Steve’s resentment, it actually did. So they spent the next five hours explaining Christmas traditions to El (which was a clear mistake because someone let Tommy explain mistletoe, and now she saw the kissing rule as law) and decorating the Harrington’s house.

            “This will be great, Stevie,” Carol beamed, kissing Steve’s cheek as the passed under the mistletoe in the kitchen doorway. “Our best party yet, and we won’t even be drunk.”

            It made Steve grin as he hung little glass balls from the chandelier in the dinning room. He hadn’t used this room in years, the table to large and empty for one person. But with the new table cloth and spread, it would be filled up, if not more.

            “Little Byers is good at art, right?” Tommy called from somewhere in the living room. “Cause we need to make invitations and what-not, and there is now way we are buying cheesy cards.”

            “I’ll call Joyce and see what she says,” Steve called back. “Just give me a minute.”

            “I can call Will,” El called from somewhere upstairs.

            The fact that she was upstairs had Steve a little worried, but he wasn’t going to bother with it now. Just as long as there wasn’t mistletoe in his bedroom. And, yeah, surrounded by friends, Steve could see this being a good Christmas party. Probably the best party he had ever thrown.

\--------------------------------------

            Will did make cards, and it was agreed that there would not be a white elephant gift exchange. Basically because the concept was a bit too hard for El to fully grasp just yet. Instead, they were going to let people get gifts for each other if they _wanted_ to. Which basically meant Steve had plans to buy gifts for everyone who agreed to come. Max, however, almost couldn’t come, but she convinced her mother to let her go, and Neil Hargrove didn’t get to argue on this one.

            At least, according to Max.

            So Steve had gotten the Christmas shopping done, and things were fine. El was going to meet families, and if necessary, Hopper would talk to Karen Wheeler. Spin a story. Doctor Owens wasn’t happy with this second breech in El’s hiding rule, but most people at this party already knew that El was Hopper’s secret daughter. So he agreed. Reluctantly.

            Will had agreed to make the cards too, and they turned out fantastic, gaining Tommy’s approval. Much to Jonathan’s surprise.

            “It’s kind of weird,” Nancy hummed from beside Steve as they watched the basketball practice. Concussions were obnoxious, but at least Jonathan and Carol were there too. “You know, how everything worked out.”

            “Yeah,” Steve nodded back as Carol moved to run her hand through his hair. Comfort and protection behind the touch. “But at the same time, not really. It’s more like peace.”

            Nancy and Jonathan both hummed in agreement.

            Winter break was coming soon, tomorrow actually, and that meant more party planning. But he didn’t mind. Not anymore. Not as Tommy and some other guys managed to shove Billy around on the basketball court. Not as Nancy and Jonathan remained his friends. Not as Carol gave him encouragement. Though he could live without her match making.

            Oh. He got an A+ on that essay. His teacher was proud of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those readers who have stuck with me, you know I have this really bad tendency. For those of you who are new to my works.....
> 
> Things are going to get so much worse before they get better.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mentions of suicide
> 
> And I give you Barb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to a request (and if you guys notice something similar, please say something) I will be going back and labeling chapter summaries whenever suicide is mentioned, discussed, thought of, carried out, or any of the above.
> 
> I will also be labeling a later chapter because it will get violent and a bit more descriptive than I normally do.
> 
> If you have concerns, please let me know. I do care about your well-being as my readers.

            Steve thought Christmas break was going to be boring, spent mostly alone as everyone enjoyed themselves. However, that wasn’t exactly an option. Because apparently, everyone else had made it their goal to spend time with Steve.

            Such as dinner time at the Byers;

            “I am so sorry to call you,” Joyce gushed over the phone. “But I am having so much trouble right now. It’s just, I really need your help with dinner plans.”

            “Uh, sure,” Steve nodded. “Yeah. I’ll, uh. Be over in a few minutes.

            At first, Steve thought he was just being called because Joyce didn’t want Steve to be alone. But, in all honestly, the lasagna was on fire.

            That was not at all an exaggeration. At all.

            “Why is it on fire?” Steve practically exploded, instantly diving for under the sink.

            “I don’t know!” Joyce cried back, tears almost threatening to spill. “I don’t know what I did wrong?”

            Grabbing the, thankfully there, fire extinguisher, Steve put out the fire. With both Joyce and Steve staring at the now put out fire, Steve had to glance around. There was something off. Ah.

            “Where are Will and Jonathan?” Steve questioned curiously.

            “Oh,” Joyce rubbed her hands together nervously. “Uh, they’re out. It was just supposed to be me and Hop, but I guess I’ll need to cancel.”

            Just her and Hopper? Oh. _Just her and Hopper_. It made Steve stare at Joyce for a moment as he processed that thought. So he smiled at her and tossed the lasagna in the trash before diving into the fridge.

            “I’m sure we can figure out something,” Steve hummed back.

            There wasn’t much to go with, but Steve managed to use the rest of the beef into a little something Italian with a few veggies, and he used a mix of noodles to make some pasta. With everything settled, Steve got everything set-up and cleaned up.

            For Joyce and Hopper’s date.

            “Thank you so much, Steve,” Joyce sighed, giving him a hug. “Just, thank you so much.”

            “Of course,” Steve beamed.

            Going home that day, he felt a little smug and happy. But it was just a one-time thing. He wasn’t going to be alone and bored for the rest of the break. At least until the Christmas party came up in a few weeks.

            Or so he thought.

\---------------------------

            “I’m sorry,” Steve stared incredulously. “But could you repeat? I could have sworn you just asked me to host Dungeons and Dragons on Saturday nights.”

            The six kids, El included, had shown up out of the blue. At first, they had just sort of barged into the house, demanding all sorts of things. Then they all started talking all at once. Of course, Steve got them to quiet down.

            “You heard right,” Dustin nodded. “It would just be easier for El to join us too. And we’ve been dying to teach her how to play. And you know Hopper won’t let us play at the cabin.”

            “Yeah,” Lucas pipped up. “A bunch of kids biking into the woods. That’s too suspicious.”

            “And El is here all the time anyways,” Mike added. “So it’s perfect.”

            Steve rubbed his forehead as if he had a headache, and he sort of did have a headache. He sort of did, actually.

            “Do your parents know where you are?” Steve pressed, eyeing Max in particular. He was not looking for another beating from Billy Hargrove under any circumstance

            But to his relief, even Max gave a sincere nod. That was one last thing to worry about. Which was good, because his concussion was almost gone. He did not need to worry about any more concussions. Not when the one he had was almost gone.

            “Fine,” Steve huffed, “but there will be ground rules. Don’t play with the decorations. Don’t go into a room without asking. Don’t go into a room alone with anyone, especially to make-out.” That one got sounds of discuss, even from El. Steve made a mental note to kill Tommy. “And be wary of the kitchen. There is mistletoe in the doorway, and El is very insistent that everyone follow that rule.”

            “It’s law,” El stated.

            The others tried to protest, but even they knew that there was no fighting El on anything. So they gave up and went to the living room to set everything up.

            After that, the kids were over every Saturday.

\-------------------------------

            Joyce requesting his help every so often was understandable. The kids wanting to spend time at his house just to be near him was also understandable. Even Tommy, Carol, Dustin, and El practically living in his house was very much understandable. But this was ridiculous. Truly and utterly ridiculous.

            “Oh come on, Stevie,” Carol tugged at his arm. “It’ll be fun.”

            “Yeah, being surrounded by alcohol and a guy who has every desire to beat my face in,” Steve dragged out sarcastically. “That sounds like a _perfect_ idea.”

            “Don’t be a fuddy-duddy,” Carol huffed. “Just put on the jacket and come on.”

            “It’s just a party,” Vicki added with a grin. “Besides, you have us to protect you.”

            Steve was not happy with this explanation. He’d been avoiding parties, and he was supposed to be avoiding alcohol because of his concussion. But Carol, Vicki, Tina, and Nicole were all posing very convincing arguments. It was clear he wasn’t going to get much of a say in any of this.

            “Fine,” Steve snatched the jacket and shrugged it on.

            As he suspected, there were drugs, alcohol, and Billy Hargrove. Steve’s plan was to find a corner and sit there the rest of the night. The girls had other plans as they dragged him into the crowd of dancers and got him to dance with them. And, honestly, it was fun.

            The girls made sure that Billy couldn’t get anywhere close. Alcohol was easily deflected, and Steve just let himself get lost in the moment. It was nice.

            “Told you,” Carol sing-songed as they went home.

            “Yeah, yeah,” Steve rolled his eyes as they pulled into his drive way. “You were right.”

            Because that was the most fun he had in a while. Especially at a party.

\----------------------------

            He wasn’t sure what led him to do it, but he found himself walking to the quarry on one of the rare nights he was home alone. Sure, it wasn’t the best idea, especially with his current track record, but it beat lying awake in bed. So he let his feet carry him out of the house and to the direction of the quarry.

            Part of his brain told him this was a bad idea, but he couldn’t help but think of Will’s fake body as he stood over the edge.

            “Don’t!”

            Before Steve could process what was happening, he was being yanked back from the ledge and thrown against the ground. Well, more like thrown against the person behind him who cushioned his fall. He quickly scrambled off the person, turning to see his attacker. His heart felt like it was going to burst from his chest.

            “Are you crazy!” the girl who had yanked him back screamed at him. “What makes you think throwing your life away is going to solve anything!”

            _What?_

            Steve gaped as the girl grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the ledge.

            “Suicide is never an answer,” she continued to lecture. “What could have possibly been so bad that you would do that?”

            “I-” Steve’s head was spinning, and he had to take a moment to process. “I-I was-wasn’t going to-to jump.”

            “Really?” the girl asked testily. “Then please explain. Because it certainly looked like suicide.”

            “No,” Steve shook his head. “I-I just could-couldn’t sleep. I went for a-a walk. I kept thinking of Will. Will Byers. You know, and the fake body.”

            The girl blinked at him for a moment, then sighed clutching her face. “Sorry, sorry, I panicked. You were on the ledge and I thought you were going to jump. Sorry.”

            “No-no,” Steve cleared his throat. “I understand. Really. It wouldn’t be the first time I consi-.”

            Steve cut himself off, lowering his head at that thought. He wasn’t proud of that moment, and he wasn’t sure what was making him tell this person. She was in his grade, he knew that. But his thoughts were too jumbled for his brain to put a name to a face. His brain was too jumbled to actually process anything.

            His jumbled thoughts suddenly focused solely on the hand on his arm. The girl. Looking into her face once more, he finally got a name.

            Robin. Her name was Robin.

            “Me too.”

            Steve’s eyes widened as he searched her gaze for some sort of lie. There was none. They didn’t say anything after that, just let themselves settle on the ground, arms brushing as the watched the stars for the rest of the night.

            Steve had never been so at peace in that moment.

            “I make a mean breakfast,” Steve suddenly blurted out as they both realized dawn was approaching.

            “Really?” Robin asked, almost cocky. “ _The_ Steve Harrington can cook? This I just _have_ to see.”

            Robin became his anchor after that night, and Steve could just sort of tell that he was the same for her. And when Tommy and Carol met Robin for the first time, they didn’t question her. Just greeted her as if she had always been there.

            But Steve still caught their attempts to hide their relief when ever Steve would laugh or smile at Robin.

\----------------------------

            The day of the Christmas Party, Steve was literally everywhere, and thank goodness for Robin or Steve wasn’t sure he would have gotten anything done. Robin had gotten her invitation from El, and Steve was kind of relieved by that. Because if El didn’t like Robin, then that meant he had to keep his life-line out of the group. But El had gotten rather attached to Robin and her sassy nature.

            “Steve!” Robin called from where she was fixing Christmas lights. “The Ham!”

            Steve dashed from the basement, carrying all of the board games he had stashed over the years, threw them on the table, and then went to take the ham out of the oven as the timer beeped at them with an annoying echo.

            “It’s fine!” he called back as he set it out and then turned back to bring the games into the living room. “It’s fine! I didn’t kill it!”

            “You better not have,” Robin teased. “Wouldn’t want Ellie’s first Christmas Party to have a terrible ham.”

            And, yes, Robin had gained Ellie privileges.

            “The party has arrived!” Tommy’s voice rang into the house as the door was kicked open with a bang. “And I swear this isn’t wine!”

            That was not at all comforting. But after careful inspection, Steve could confirm it was just one of those carbonated fruit drinks, the cranberry flavored ones. He gave Tommy a look before placing it in the fridge for later.

            “You love me, Stevie,” Tommy teased as he tried to stick his hands in the potatoes.

            Steve swatted his hand away with a harsh “thwack” from the spoon he had picked up. That, of course, had Tommy laughing as he went to join Carol and Robin in the living room where they were organizing presents.

            And slowly, as Steve finished up dinner, everyone else began to trickle in. It was a weird mix of caroling and board games and dinner and odd chatter. And it was all perfect.

            “Are you alright, sweetheart?” Joyce asked as they cleaned up the kitchen. The rest of the party goers were all in the living room, singing Christmas carols purposefully off tune. “You look exhausted. Have you been sleeping?”

            “Off and on,” Steve shrugged. Deflecting. “You know. Migraines just like to hit at odd hours. It’s gotten better though. The migraines are pretty much gone. Tina said I was probably expecting them or something. Keeps me awake.”

            Joyce nodded, going to grab the next dish to clean. It wasn’t a total lie. Sure, the migraines had kept him up for a time. But now it was the nightmares. Watching everyone die over and over again. But no one needed to know that.

            “I’m proud of you,” Joyce spoke up, cutting off Steve’s thoughts. “You’ve come a long way. And I’m glad you are here too.”

            Steve saw the hidden meaning, and he let her wrap him in a hug. The hug didn’t last long as they were instantly called into the living room by the eager children of the group so that they could _finally_ open the presents. Steve just laughed as everyone insisted El go first.

            To Steve’s surprise, he got gifts too, but he had to fight back tears as he got a walkie-talkie from the kids.

\----------------------------------

            “It wasn’t your fault,” a voice told Steve.

            Confused, Steve glanced around, trying to find the voice. He could swear he recognized it, but he still couldn’t place it. And that bothered him immensely. Continuing to glance around, it took him even longer to realize he was surrounded by pure darkness.

            “Hello!” he called into the void. “Is anyone there? Where are you?”

            “It wasn’t your fault,” the voice repeated.

            Now Steve started walking, still spinning around, trying to catch a glimpse of something. It was still too dark to really see anything. But he _had_ to find this voice.

            “It’s not your fault,” it repeated.

            “Where are you?” Steve called out again. “What do you mean? What isn’t my fault? Please! Where are you?”

            Steve spun around only to come face to face with a very familiar face. The face gave him a sad smile as he stubbled away, tripping over his own feet and landing on the floor made of water. He couldn’t look away.

            “It was never your fault, Steve,” Barbara Holland told him softly.

            Steve’s body awoke with a jolt.

\----------------------------

            Christmas day came and Steve just sort of chilled around the house. He knew that everyone had their families to be with them, and he rather preferred not to pry. So he lounged on the couch and watched Christmas movies.

            Until El barreled into the living room and literally jumped on top of Steve.

            “Hop forgot to not schedule for work,” El stated as she bounced on the edge of the couch as Steve caught his breath. “So you get to babysit me.”

            Her smile was the smile that said she was a bit too innocent in this situation, and he had a feeling that Hopper not taking off was planned. But El was curling into his side, flipping to a channel playing “Frosty the Snowman,” and Steve had to admit that this felt nice. Like coming home, or finally being home. So he relaxed around the girl, still a little protective.

            “Okay,” he hummed. “But I get to choose the next movie.”

            El gave a nod and burrowed further in Steve’s chest.

            Watching movies with someone was a lot better than watching them alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WATCH THE STRANGER THINGS COCA COLA AD!!!!!! YOU WON'T REGRET IT!!!!!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS:  
> -Hinted at suicide  
> -Almost mention of the f-gay word (is there a term for that word without using it?)

            The wind blowing over the quarry made the air far colder than it really was for the end of December. He’d since taken down all the Christmas decorations in his house, and the New Year was literally a day away. He’d have to go back to school son, and Steve wasn’t sure what to think of that. But that was exactly why he had come to the quarry. To think. It was easier to gather his thoughts here.

            “We need to stop meeting like this!”

            Plus Robin would just show up most of the times he ended up here. Almost like they could read each other. That would have worried Steve if he hadn’t shown up to the quarry a few times and Robin didn’t join him. Steve didn’t want to think of the implication of their constant meetings.

            “I was here first!” he shot back and flopped onto the rock.

            If it had been anyone else, they would have panicked at how close Steve was to the ledge, but not Robin. Instead, she joined him. Legs dangling over the edge, barely covered bodies pressed against the freezing top of the rock, and gazes on the cloudy sky. Steve wondered, in moments like these, if there was such a thing as friendly-hand-holding. Because Robin and Steve often found they felt far more grounded when they linked hands. Sometimes they just brushed elbows, or nudged legs, but touch was what they needed the most in these moments.

            Today was a hand holding day.

            “Do you ever wish you could fly?” Robin asked from beside Steve.

            _Do you ever wish you could jump without dying? Just to know you are alive?_

            “Yeah,” Steve swallowed thickly. “All the time.”

            Robin chuckled dryly beside him. “Guess we’ll just have to settle for hypothermia.”

            Steve didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to. Rather, he tried to find shapes in the sky full of clouds. It wasn’t easy when the sky was literally covered in clouds. It just looked like a white-gray clump of depression.

            “I dreamed of Barb, again,” Steve told Robin, feeling her instant shift. “She called me an idiot this time. But it was almost fond.”

            Robin didn’t know what happened to Barb, not really. She had heard the stories of what the government claimed had killed Barb. But Steve and Robin had made a pact to tell each other things. To talk to each other. They called it their suicide pact.

            “What did she say?” Robin asked.

            Steve was silent again, eyes sliding closed as he took a deep breath. With an exhale, he turned to Robin.

            “Come to dinner with me?” he practically begged. “At the Byers.”

            Robin eyed him for a moment, and Steve had to hold his breath.

            “Yeah,” she nodded.

            Rolling back to the sky, Steve took another deep breath.

\---------------------------------

            Sometimes he was in the black space and Barb would call to him. Other times it was in the woods, or the tunnels, or the pool. But last night had been different. Last night, they were in the Byers house. And rather than appear later, Barb stood right in front of Steve from the minute he opened his eyes.

            “Interesting,” Barb hummed at him, glancing around. “You feel safe here. Despite everything, you feel safe here.”

            Steve had to take a moment to glance around. They were, specifically, in Will’s room. He’d grown rather attached of the kid, as he had the other five of Will’s friends. They didn’t hang out as often as Steve did with Will’s friends, but Barb wasn’t wrong.

            “Barb,” Steve breathed. “I-”

            “It was never your fault, Steve,” Barb cut him off, as she always did. As she always repeated. “No matter what you or Nancy think, it was never your fault.”

            Steve hung his head and took a step away from Barb.

            “You idiot.”

            Steve’s head snapped up so that he could see the fond smile on Barb’s face. She was looked sad, though.

            “You’re not real,” Steve scoffed. “I know you’re not. You’re just a figment of my imagination or something. This is all in my head.”

            Barb’s smile became one of amusement, still fond.

            “Of course this is all in your head,” Barb laughed a little. “But why does that mean I’m not real.”

            Steve was going to retort, but there was something about Barb that made him snap his mouth shut. She’d said a lot of cryptic things in the last week since he first saw her Christmas night. But this was different.

            “Time to wake up,” Barb whispered.

            And Steve had to jolt up in bed, gasping as if he had been deprived of air. He’d eventually gotten out of bed and gone to the quarry.

\---------------------------

            The spent the rest of the day at the quarry, just the two of them spending New Year’s Eve by potentially giving themselves hypothermia. And now they were going to the New Year’s Party at the Byers house. It was only going to be the Byers, Hoppers, Steve, and now Robin.

            “Oh, hey sweetie,” Joyce perked as she noticed Steve and Robin. “How are you both? I didn’t hear your car pull up.”

            Both Steve and Robin shared a smile. They had a feeling that Joyce would peak outside later, and they would both be getting a ride home that night. Or they would just end up crashing at the Byers and then getting a ride home.

            “We’re alright,” Steve smiled at Joyce as she pulled him into a hug. He couldn’t help but sink into the warmth she offered and felt a little pained as she pulled away to hug Robin.

            “Why don’t you two go curl up on the couch and I’ll get you some blankets,” Joyce offered as she pulled away.

            A few minutes later had Steve and Robin curled up on the couch, El and Will squished between them, blankets had been carefully draped over them in a far too excessive amount, and they each had a mug of hot chocolate. It was far too early in the evening for hot chocolate in Steve’s opinion, but he had a feeling that Joyce was doing this on purpose. Was he really that cold?

            Jonathan had gotten home from his job shortly after Steve and Robin arrived, and he was taking a power nap at their feet, clearly content with a blanket of his own. It was nice and warm. Safe. The hum of the television and the smell of food cooking (per Steve’s instruction of course) gave Steve a feeling he’d never felt before. He just didn’t know what it was.

            “Bad dreams?” El suddenly asked.

            Of course El knew, and he’d told Will about his dreams too. If anyone would understand nightmares, it was Will. But Will hadn’t been quite sure they were nightmares, and though he agreed to keep them secret, Will really wanted to take Steve to the library and look up more on dreams.

            “More like weird,” Steve confessed to the two eagerly listening kids. “It was about Barb again.”

            Both El and Will nodded at this, knowing Steve very rarely discussed these dreams. He had other nightmares about the kids and the tunnels. But he talked to Will, El, and Robin about those dreams.

            “Dinner’s ready!” Joyce called into the house. “Someone wake up Jonathan!”

            Will took that task for them, and they all migrated to the dinning room to help set everything up. By the time they all sat down, Hopper arrived just when he said he would.

\--------------------------

            “Do you want to sleep here tonight?” Joyce asked in a soft whisper as Hopper took Will and El to Will’s room. “Robin’s already passed out. You can both stay here.”

            “I was going to take you up on that offer,” Steve whispered back. “But I promised Tommy that I would make that chicken he likes. And I forgot to take it out of the freezer. If I don’t take it out, I can’t make it. I was just going to head home, take care of the chicken, and then get some sleep.”

            “Okay,” Joyce nodded. “Just let me get Jonathan. He’s still awake so he can take you home.”

            “Yeah,” Steve smiled. “Thanks Mrs. Byers. Can Robin stay here tonight? I’d hate to wake her.”

            “Of course,” Joyce nodded. “You just take care of yourself.”

            With a nod, Steve was already heading out the door as Joyce went to get Jonathan. In a few seconds, they were in the car and pulling onto the road. It was silent, and oddly tense. Steve wasn’t sure what to make of that because he thought he had broken that barrier with Jonathan.

            “How long have you been dreaming about Barb?”

            Oh. Steve had not been aware Jonathan had been awake for that conversation. Jonathan seemed tense, frustrated by the look of it.

            “Since Christmas Eve,” Steve confessed. “She keeps repeating ‘it was never your fault’ over and over again. And it’s not every night. Will and Robin think it’s some weird dream thing with a double meaning.”

            “Why didn’t you say anything?” Jonathan whispered.

            So that was what this was about. “Nancy was over it,” Steve said. “Well, no, not over it. But she was at peace. I didn’t think telling her that her dead best friend was visiting me in my dreams was a good idea. And if I had told you, Nancy would have gotten it out of you and gotten involved anyways.”

            Jonathan went to protest, but he had to snap his mouth shut. They had both dated Nancy Wheeler, well Jonathan was dating Nancy, so they both knew what Nancy could do. Neither of them had ever wanted to hurt Nancy, and this would hurt her.

            “She’ll want to know,” Jonathan whispered out.

            “Yeah,” Steve nodded. “I know.” Here he paused. “I’ll tell her if you’re there with me. I don’t wanna get slapped again.”

            All too soon, they pulled up to Steve’s house. The house was dark, as always, and there was no sign of anyone else being home.

            “Oh!” Steve jolted, startling Jonathan. “I got that tape you were talking about. The new one by The Clash. I was gonna bring it to you tonight, but I forgot it. Here, I’m just going to give it to you now.”

            Jonathan looked a little surprised, but he nodded and got out of his car, following Steve up to the house. It was silent as they walked up to the house, both a little too tired to say anything. Which is probably why Steve’s first thought with the next action was that he really hoped he didn’t get another concussion when this one was pretty much gone.

            “You little freak!” Steve’s father spat, clearly drunk, as he pulled his fist back to punch Steve again. “What do you think you’re doing?”

            Steve was still a little too dazed and tired to react properly, but Jonathan wasn’t. He quickly yanked Steve out of the way, grabbed Mr. Harrington’s arm, and twisted.

            “I think you need to calm down,” Jonathan hissed.

            “Why, so you can sleep with my son?” Mr. Harrington spat as his gaze turned to Steve. “You little fa-”

            Steve practically threw Mr. Harrington into the ground of the Harrington house before he could finish that sentence. The door was quickly slammed, and Jonathan was carrying Steve to the car. The weight of the situation hit Steve as Jonathan got him into the passenger seat.

            Jonathan had _seen._ Jonathan had _heard._

            A chocked sob escaped Steve’s lips, and he quickly shoved his fist into his mouth, trying to stifle it as Jonathan started driving. Steve could hardly tell what was going on, but he was surprised to see them pull up to Tommy’s house. Jonathan had to drag Steve to the front door, and Tommy, thank goodness he was home alone, opened the door.

            “Steve? Tommy sucked in a breath. “Byers’ what happened?”

            “His dad,” Jonathan said.

            That was all they needed to say. Tommy dragged them inside and carefully took Steve for Jonathan. Steve had to choke back another saw.

            _He saw. He heard. He saw. He heard. He saw. He heard._

            Steve absolutely hated it, more than anything. He’d done so well to keep from everyone. To not let them know what his father thought of him. He’d kept it secret for so long. From everyone but Tommy and Carol. But that had been a given, telling them at the time. Because they had all been in so much pain. It only seemed fair.

            “It’s okay, Stevie,” Tommy soothed gently. “It’s okay. Just hold on. Just breathe.”

            Steve let out another sob as he clutched Tommy like a lifeline. He had always been a lifeline since they had become friends. Steve couldn’t believe he had given this up, even if Tommy was a jerk.

            “I’ve got you,” Tommy kept going, holding Steve just tight enough so that he knew Tommy was there, but loose enough to know he could bolt if needed. “You’re safe. I’ve got you. You’re gonna be alright.”

            Then Jonathan’s hand was on Steve’s back, rubbing soft patterns and whispering similar comforting words. Steve sobbed just a bit harder at that.

\-------------------------------

            Whenever Steve fell into one of these “depressions” that often happened after encounters with his father, Steve needed Tommy _and_ Carol to get out of them. Normally, Tommy would just take Steve with him, they would grab Carol, and get out. Other times he would call Carol, argue with her mother, and then Carol would be over. Sometimes, if they were lucky, Carol and Tommy would be together.

            This time, Jonathan had his hand firmly pressed to Steve’s back as they waited for Tommy to get back with Carol.

            “Has this happened before?” Jonathan whispered, his voice purposefully soft.

            Steve could only nod. And there was a tense moment of silence.

            “Is that why-”

            Jonathan couldn’t finish that sentence, looking pained as if all the pieces were falling into place.

            “Yeah,” Steve’s voice felt thick even to his own ears.

            Yes, he had picked on Jonathan because it made him feel better. Yes, he had become a bully to assure himself that he wasn’t everything his dad claimed. Yes, he knew it was wrong. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

            “I’m so sorry,” Steve’s voice cracked out. “So, so sorry.”

            Jonathan didn’t say anything back, and Steve understood. He just let the younger boy pull him into a hug. Let himself be held.

            “I forgive you.”

            When Tommy and Carol finally got back, Steve was sobbing into Jonathan’s chest, and Jonathan was holding him like he would hold Will. Steve felt safe.

\------------------------------

            With Tommy and Carol both there, Steve got out of his “depression” after a few hours, and Jonathan remained nearby the whole time.

            “Nancy doesn’t know,” Steve told Jonathan later, after he had shared and was comfortably relaxed in a pair of Tommy’s sweatpants and Jonathan’s jacket. “I managed to- I just sort of- she doesn’t know.”

            Jonathan nodded gently. “Do you want her to know?”

            Steve shook his head. Then stopped. This was too much like the whole dreaming of Barb thing. So he nodded after a moment.

            “Okay,” Jonathan nodded. “Do you want to go see her now?”

            Steve had to pause. Seeing Nancy would mean seeing Mike. Nancy he could face. Had learned to face even when it hurt. But Mike was another story. He couldn’t just confront Mike. He couldn’t deal with that. But Nancy was his friend. He could tell Nancy, and maybe Mike too.

            He nodded again.

            “Okay,” Jonathan hummed. “I’ll let Tommy and Carol know. Then we can go, alright?”

            Steve could only nod, his words not working.

            Before Steve could fully comprehend it, Tommy and Jonathan were guiding Steve back to Jonathan’s car. There was so much happening in so short amount of time. His brain kept meshing everything together.

            “Steve,” Jonathan called softly. “We’re here, buddy. See.”

            Steve stared up at the Wheeler house and nodded. Steve hadn’t thought to ask who Jonathan had called last night. But he had only just gotten out of the car when Mike came racing out, and surprisingly, hugged Steve.

            “I’m okay,” Steve breathed into Mike’s hair.

            “Liar,” Mike huffed, but didn’t pull away to glare. “You’re our friend so you can’t do that anymore.”

            “Mike, honey,” Karen called softly. “Let’s get Steve inside, alright? Then you can hug him all you want.”

            Mike nodded, tugging Steve inside, a little rough, but still careful. He was quickly led into the living room, where Nancy was waiting with a few mugs of hot chocolate. Then he was pressed between Nancy and Mike on the couch, Jonathan at his feet.

            “Steve,” Nancy whispered, just the prompt Steve needed.

            “I’m sorry,” a sob tore past his lips. “I’m sorry. I should have told you.”

            “It’s okay,” Nancy whispered.

            “It’s not,” Steve shook his head. “It’s really not. Nance, there are so many things I should have told you. So many things.”

            “We’re here now,” Jonathan spoke up when Nancy could only purse her lips. “You can tell us now.”

            And so he did. He let it all out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you guys think of Barb?


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: . . . There is none. This chapter is mostly fluff.
> 
> But I also did a lot of research for this chapter, and a friend had to help me, so you better appreciate this chapter!!!!!!

            They were at the quarry this time.

            “You don’t feel very safe in very many places,” Barb commented as they watched the sunset. “You should fix that.”

            Steve just hummed back as they eyed the sunset from his rock where he normally sat with Robin. Back in the real world, he was well aware that he was curled up on the Wheeler’s couch, pressed between Nancy, Mike, and Jonathan. He thinks he remembers Will coming over at some point, but he isn’t sure. He just knows he feels safe.

            “Interesting,” Barb stated, but she didn’t elaborate.

            Steve had a feeling it wasn’t yet time for that. He didn’t know why she was here, but he had come to the conclusion that she wasn’t there to harm him. A guide, perhaps. Mike had suggested it last night. Or was it still night? He wasn’t entirely sure because it had been dawn in his dream for a long time. Or was it only a few seconds?

            Dreams confused him.

            “Dreams confuse everyone, Steve,” Barb suddenly spoke again.

            And, yeah, Barb had answered his mental questions quite a few times in the past, but that didn’t make it any less creepy.

            “It’s hard not to read your mind when we are in your head,” Barb huffed back at him. “But you’ve been sleeping for a while now. It’s time to wake up.”

\----------------------------------

            “I think,” Robin hummed as she flopped the last book down onto the table, “that we have pulled every available book on dreams in Hawkins library.”

            Steve did not doubt that as he gazed over the pile warily. They were in a back corner, out of sight, but people had no doubt seen them walk around. The group that had come with Steve had been rather wary about being out in public with Steve, as if they feared all of Hawkins would break apart because the resident nerds and recluse were hanging out with The Former King.

            Steve just picked up the first book in the pile and made himself read. Thankfully, the other followed suit.

            “This is pretty interesting,” Lucas stated a few hours in. “It says here that places in dreams haven’t really been figured out. Some people believe they are just places you remember. Others believe that they can be places you make up or alter. And other people claim that a place has significant meaning.”

            Steve had to frown at that, wracking his brain in thought. Last night had been at the quarry, and Barb said he felt “safe” there. Which was true, especially when he wasn’t alone. The threat of the cliff hadn’t ever bothered Steve before. In fact….

            _It was like there was no cliff._

            “If you think that is interesting, you should hear what this says about people,” Mike pipped up. “You can’t make a new face in your dreams. It’s always someone you’ve seen before, even if just in passing. Apparently, our brains don’t have the capacity to create someone new.”

            “My book says that people in dreams don’t normally represent an actual person either,” Dustin added as he glanced up from what he was reading. “So, like, it can take the form of someone you _know_ , but it’s generally not supposed to represent that person specifically.”

            “So if Steve sees Barb,” Max hummed, snapping all attention to her, “Barb is trying to tell him something. She probably represents something in Steve’s life.”

            “Right,” Dustin grinned. “We just gotta figure out what.”

            “Well, it’s something personal,” Will pipped up. “This book says that when people show up in dreams, it’s never actually about that person they appear as. It’s always about the person dreaming. So, Barb is probably trying to show Steve something personal about himself.”

            This was all great information, really it was. But Barb had only talked to Steve about being safe. And before that, she had been the image of his nightmares right alongside the dead faces of the kids. Pinching his brow, Steve then went to massage his forehead. It had been at least an hour, and Steve had hardly gotten anywhere in his book.

            And Robin was eyeing him quite curiously for some reason.

            “Okay, so this book says dreaming is often the stories told during REM, or rapid eye movement, during sleep,” Mike stated thoughtfully. “And I can see Steve’s nightmares being stories, I mean watching everyone die over and over is certainly a story. But sitting at the quarry? Standing in the Byers house? I don’t get it.”

            “But you can also alter things in dreams if you’re aware enough,” Max spoke up. “I’ve done it a few times before. You’ve just got to be aware you’re dreaming.”

            “Steve seemed pretty aware during his dreams of Barb,” Lucas said before turning to Steve. “Did you ever try to alter the dream.”

            Steve shook his head. It just, never seemed necessary to try and alter the dreams. He’d just let them play out until Barb told him to wake up.

            “Well, there’s also the possibility that Barb could still be alive and is reaching out to Steve through his dreams,” Dustin suddenly said.

            It was quite for a moment, and then Steve got really pale. Then the kids were blowing up about how that was impossible, and how Dustin shouldn’t freak Steve out like that. They were a bit too loud, because Marissa, the librarian, had to come and shush them.

            “My book says that a person generally dreams three to six times per night,” Will suddenly pipped up once Marissa had left. “But most people don’t remember dreams. It also says sleep is a type of psychotherapy.”

            “So Barb is giving Steve therapy?” Mike asked. “That’s ridiculous.”

            “Steve, are you okay?” Robin asked quite suddenly.

            “Yeah,” Steve nodded, snapping his book closed. “Yeah. I’m fine. Dustin’s theory spooked me a bit, but I’m okay. I don’t think Barb is reaching out to me, sorry bud. She seems more like a guide. Like she’s waiting for the right moment.”

            The kids were about to speak up when Robin cut them off.

            “That’s not what I mean?” Robin said. “You seemed rather distracted? Like you couldn’t focus.”

            “I’ve been listening, I swear,” Steve raised his hands in surrender before the kids could blow up at him.

            “No, no,” Robin brushed her hair out of her face. “It was when you were reading, it was like you couldn’t focus on the words or something. Like, you would read a bit, then get this spaced out look. At first I thought it was just you getting frustrated without finding answers, but you weren’t really frustrated.”

            Steve shrugged a little helplessly. “I’ve always had that problem,” he admitted. “I can’t focus on reading for long periods of time. Basketball was one of the first things I could focus on.”

            “Because you could move,” Robin hummed and stood up. “Hold that thought.”

            The kids and Steve all exchanged looks as Robin disappeared around the corner of shelves. Reading for Steve had always been difficult. He’d never been able to focus on the words long enough. One of his older teachers had thought he might be dyslexic, but he could read just fine. He just couldn’t keep his attention intact.

            “It’s not just reading, right?” Robin asked as she rounded the corner with _more_ books. “You just, generally can’t focus?”

            “Yeah,” Steve nodded.

            How did she know?

            “Attention Deficit Disorder,” she flopped it down. “Or Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder.”

            “What?” Will questioned.

            “Well, they’re a type of mental disorder,” Robin hummed as she flipped open one of the books. “I had to research it for a health project. It was pretty freaky because not many people knew how to handle it, and most people with these disorders used to be sent to psychiatric wards for it, but they’ve gotten better now.”

            “But what is it?” Mike drawled out, a little tense.

            Robin hummed, finally stopping on a page. “ADD or ADHD is basically when your mind can’t focus. At its _basic_ form. It has far more layers than that, but most people who have either form tend to daydream or fidget a lot as a symptom. Sometimes they can be disruptive in class too, or they just can’t focus on one thing for too long of a time.”

            “What do you mean by focus?” Dustin asked. “Like, the words on a page blurring.”

            “No no,” Robin shook her head. She looked around a bit, then let her gaze land on a window. “Okay, so, say a bird flew by our window. We might all look at it and go, ‘oh, a bird’ before going back to whatever we were previously doing. But someone with ADD or ADHD would look at the bird and completely forget what they were doing to ponder the bird for a while. They’re minds are easily distracted and more prone to wander.”

            “And you think Steve has ADD or ADHD?” Max asked.

            “It’s a theory,” Robin nodded. “It would explain why school is hard for him. His attention span would literally die in a normal school setting. The problem is, there are no schools for people with ADHD or ADD. You’ve just got to ride it out.”

            “Is there a way to find out if he does have either?” Dustin pressed. “Like, can we help him?”

            “There’s nothing _wrong_ with Steve,” Robin quickly added. “His brain just functions differently. In fact, both ADD and ADHD are pretty common. Recent research has confirmed that around 3 million people have it.”

            “But if he can’t focus right, how is he supposed to pass school?” Lucas asked.

            “Hey!” Steve snapped. “I’ll have you know I am doing just fine.”

            Robin hummed. “You just need different study methods than most,” she said. “You know, flashcards. Sometimes talking to another person. Verbal and physical things help. You could probably use basketball too. Every time you answer a question right, you get to shoot a basket or something. You know, something physical to help you remember the mental. But there are pills if you can find a doctor who can diagnose it, but most cases have to be diagnosed around the age of six.”

            There was no way Steve was going to get a doctor who would diagnose him. His father would never allow it, and he didn’t really have the money to consistently pay for pills that would probably be expensive. Especially since his dad was probably going to cut him off.

            Steve tossed the book of dreams back onto the table and sighed. Bitterly.

\------------------------

            “You’re uneasy,” Barb hummed as she walked around Nancy’s room, picking things up. “This place makes you uneasy.”

            “Are you trying to tell me that the places I end up are based on my emotions?” Steve questioned, eyeing her as she lifted the lid of a music box.

            Barb shrugged. “It’s your dream, and you are quite aware.”

            Steve let Max’s words from earlier wash over them. Yes, he was in a dream, so he could probably change things. Shutting his eyes, Steve took a deep breath. When he opened his eyes, they were no longer in Nancy’s room.

            “You’ve never actually been here before,” Barb hummed out.

            Hopper’s cabin. Barb was right, he’d never actually set foot in Hopper’s cabin because Hopper thought it was too risky. But this was Hopper’s cabin, and a deep part of Steve knew it was.

            “You’ve never been here,” Barb said again, “but you feel safe here. But I don’t make you feel safe.”

            Steve ignored Barb this time, walking over to the small TV where he was sure El had called out to Mike many times. He ran his hand over the couch across from it and took in the radio on top of the television. The number 11 rang out in red letters, probably the channel they used. There was one bedroom, one bathroom, that Steve could see. Steve had to wonder where Hopper slept because the room was clearly set up for El alone. But there was also a nice little kitchen, and far too many Eggos and TV dinners, Steve was going to have to talk to Hopper about a proper meal.

            Barb snorted at that thought.

            “So why here?” Barb asked.

            He was going to retort, going to ask her to tell him. But she was in _his_ head, maybe as a guide. Perhaps he wasn’t the one who needed to ask questions.

            “You’re testing me.”

            Barb smiled gently.

            “Why here?” she asked again.

            Steve felt it, a tug that came from an invisible string inside his chest. His gaze fell to a spot on the floor, partially covered by the couch. A spot where a there was clearly some sort of trap door. As Steve reached for the door, Barb stopped him. This was the first time Barb had touched him, the first time they had any physical contact.

            “It’s not time for that yet,” Barb told him gently. “Soon. But not yet.”

\---------------------------

            Steve woke up on the Byers couch, having been taken there after the events of the library. The trap door in Hopper’s cabin still rang in his mind, and he could still feel Barb’s hand on his arm. Stopping him. But he could also feel Will curled up at his side.

            “Hi, Steve,” Will hummed.

            His eyes were shut as if he was asleep, but the lack of sleep in his voice said he had been awake for some time.

            “Hey, buddy,” Steve murmured, giving a yawn and curled around Will. “You okay?”

            “Yeah,” Will nodded into Steve’s chest. “I’m okay now.”

            He hadn’t gone to Jonathan or Joyce, both of which were asleep in the other two bedrooms. He’d sought Steve out on the couch. That thought alone made Steve smile and an odd feeling swell in his chest.

            “Goodnight, Steve,” Will said.

            Goodnight, Little Byers,” Steve mumbled back.

            He didn’t remember dreaming about anything else that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That moment when your fandom breaks the coca cola website... the Power!!!!!!!!
> 
> But seriously, appreciate this chapter.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS:  
> -Mentions of Suicide  
> -Graphic Description of Violence/Child Abuse

            Steve sighed, feeling rather tense in that moment. They were waiting for his concussion test results, and he was supposed to go back to school tomorrow. And Tommy was by his side, waiting just as nervously. The other boy’s knee bounced about as they waited in the hospital room.

            “Good news,” the doctor called as he walked into the room. “The concussion is gone.”

            Both Steve and Tommy couldn’t help but release a sound of complete relief.

            “Just get me out of here,” Steve stated as the doctor tried to talk to him. “Just get me out.”

            The doctor was hesitant but nodded as Steve and Tommy both stood up. They were out of that hospital and driving away as soon as possible.

            “I am so glad that’s over,” Steve groaned. “It’s been killing me to just sit around like that.”

            “Welcome back to the team, Captain,” Tommy laughed as they pulled onto the highway. “Looking forward to your leadership, again.”

            “What, Billy that bad?” Steve asked.

            The scoff Tommy made had Steve laughing. Billy Hargrove, as Steve had been told several times, had tried to get Steve kicked off the team. When that failed, he tried to take over as captain. Nothing went according to plan, and Billy was frustrated. Beyond frustrated with his lack of results.

            “The jerks not a team player,” Tommy gave off the usual shpeal. “Which coach has said to his face several times. He has no leadership skills. He literally just makes fun of the rest of the team the whole time.” Here, Tommy paused, stopping his usual rant. “Why the heck did I try to be friends with that guy?”

            “Because I was a jerk and left you in the dump,” Steve deadpanned. “You just wanted me dethroned.”

            “Yeah, well,” Tommy huffed. “Maybe you should knock him down again.”

            “He can have that throne all he wants,” Steve sighed out.

            With those words, Steve let himself sink further into the passenger seat as he shut his eyes. Tommy ruffled his hair a bit, letting the sound of Wham wash over the car as he flicked on the radio. Steve wasn’t going to sleep now, not with the chance of nightmares, but he wasn’t really feeling like staying awake either.

            Before he knew it, the gentle thrum of the car had him falling fast asleep.

\-----------------------

            “Why here?” Barb asked.

            Steve glanced around, slightly glad that he wasn’t having a nightmare. But this might as well be one. They were in his father’s office, empty of all people, but still his father’s office. Steve hated it here. Hated how it looked, felt, existed.

            “Angry,” Steve said. “No, frustrated.”

            “And why are you frustrated?” Barb pressed.

            _If this was a dream then-_

            Steve marched right over to the desk and out his hands on the underside of it. Then he yanked up. The desk, surprisingly light, flipped through the air a few times before landing behind Barb. This was dream, but that felt _good._

            “Did it?” Barb asked, quite suddenly. “Is that how you would really describe it? Good?”

            _No._

            It felt like hitting the Demogorgon in Nancy’s house. It felt like sacrificing himself that night in the junk yard. It felt like standing up to Billy Hargrove. It felt like writing what he had on the theater about Nancy. It felt like hitting Jonathan that time he had read the situation wrong.

            It felt bitter sweet.

            “No,” Steve shook his head. “No.”

            “Then what does feel good?” Barb asked, her voice soft this time.

            Tommy and Carol trying a vein attempt to cook him dinner. Tina and Vicki helping with his homework, being understanding. Robin sitting at his side as they stare over the quarry. The kids in his car, chattering about nonsense. El’s wide eyes as Steve managed to teach her something she didn’t know. Dustin constantly radioing him at all hours of the day. Burying that darn knife. Laughing with Jonathan and Nancy.

            _Dinner at the Byers._

            “Good and relief are two different things, Steve,” Barb stepped closer. “And relief can be good but used wrong and it doesn’t last. You need to find the good.”

            “You gonna tell me to be happy next?” Steve asked, tone a little flat for the tease he meant it to be.

            “Oh, Steve,” Barb shook her head, looking all too amused. “You are happy. Not about everything. But you are. You’ve just seen the bad so long to be able to see the good. Look for the good, and you’ll find your happiness.”

            She tapped his chest, right where his heart was, and then it was all gone.

\-----------------------

            “Hey,” Tommy hummed as Steve stirred. “Welcome back to the land of the living. I’m taking you to the Byers, by the way.”

            Steve gave a tired smile, letting Tommy know there was no protest this time. He was going to head over there willingly.

            _Look for the good._

            If the Byers were good, then by golly, Steve was going to follow Barb’s advice.

            “It was my dad’s office this time,” Steve said.

\----------------------------------------

            “So she is like a guide,” Will stated as Steve finished telling said boy, and El, about his car dream. “She’s like, unlocking your mind or something. Trying to guide you out of something dark.”

            “Therapeutic,” El said. “Dustin said that.”

            Dustin had said that. Steve had been there, at his own house, when Dustin had thrown out the theory. Steve’s mind was, for some reason, giving him therapy.

            “Yeah, but, I still haven’t figured out why Barb is my source,” Steve said, shifting on the bed. “Why her, of all people?”

            “Well, according to the book, only you can answer that,” Will hummed.

            “Yeah, but the book says I may never know,” Steve groaned. “How am I supposed to live with that? I can’t just sit here not knowing.”

            “Dinner!” Joyce called, cutting off their conversation.

            Since Steve had stepped up, Joyce had become a much better cook, and despite Steve’s earlier frustration, he gladly ate dinner with a smile. Because the food was good. The people were good. In this moment, Steve’s life was good. He could live with that.

            “You want to stay tonight, Steve?” Joyce asked later, as she always asked.

            “Fraid not,” Steve shrugged. “I’ve got school tomorrow, and I’ve finally got the all clear to actually _do_ things. All of my stuff is at home.”

            Joyce smiled, something relieved and happy. Then she was kissing Steve’s forehead and pulling him into a tight hug. Steve clung back, trying to make up for every denied touch his parents never gave him in this one moment. Joyce seemed to know this, or maybe she thought it was nerves for tomorrow. Either way, they held tight.

            “I’ve got him this time, Joyce,” Hopper called as she attempted to go get Steve. “Gotta get stuff from the cabin for tomorrow.”

            They all pretended not to see the small, shared kiss, the two exchanged. Something about wanting to keep it “secret” or whatever. Everyone in the Monster Hunting Party knew, but they never discussed it.

            “Come on, El!” Hopper called as they slid out the door.

            Steve and El decided to annoy Hopper the whole ride to the Harrington house. El took over the radio and would find the most annoying song she could, to which Steve would sing along. Hopper was not allowed to touch the radio the whole time.

            “Thanks Hopper,” Steve grinned cheekily as Hopper stopped at the top of the driveway.

            “Yeah, yeah,” Hopper gruffed. “Just get out before I decide to never give you a ride again.”

            “You love me too much,” Steve grinned.

            The moment Steve was out of the car, Hopper was speeding off as Steve laughed. He had a stupid grin on his face as he walked down the driveway to his house. Nothing could ruin his mood.

            He just forgot one thing.

            The moment he opened the front door, there was a fist in his face. He stubbled back, but then he was grabbed by his collar and thrown into the door, landing on the ground with a cry. The cry was cut off as a foot slammed into his chest.

            “You think you can just up and disappear and then show back up,” his father hissed as he slammed his foot down onto Steve’s chest _again._ “You’re a fool. You’re an idiot. You’re a disgrace. You don’t deserve to exist.”

            Each statement was given with hard stomp to his chest. Steve, some semblance of his brain, tried desperately to crawl away. When that didn’t work, he managed to grab his father’s foot on the next stomp and flip him. Then he was bolting for the stairs. But the lack of oxygen from having it forced from his lungs left him reeling, and he staggered pitifully as he tried to climb the stairs. He was only halfway up the stairs when his father grabbed him and threw him down the stairs.

            He hit the ground with a sickening crack to his wrist and scream of pure agony.

            “You think you can just get away with this behavior,” his father snarled as he slowly stalked over to Steve. “Then maybe I should have been around more. First that stupid girl in the pool dies, and now this. No son of mine is going to get away with this behavior.”

            Steve didn’t have time to react as he was lifted up by his hair tossed down yet another set of stairs. The basement. His brain only just processed this as his head banged against the floor. Then there was a loud bang, and he was shrouded in darkness.

            He knew the door would be locked. He knew no one would come looking. He knew he was alone. This wasn’t the first time he had been in this situation before. And since his mom wasn’t home, there was a higher chance he would be left in the basement for a days until he had the strength to pick the lock. There was nothing he could do about it at the moment. Not with his head pounding again, and his wrist all funny. And he was just _so_ tired.

            _He really hoped he didn’t have another concussion._

\---------------------------------------

            “You haven’t called out to Ellie this time,” Barb mused. “Not like last time.”

            “He’s my dad, I deserved it,” Steve said. “Trying to kill myself was stupid.”

            Barb looked pained at this, but she said nothing. They were in the blackness again. The floor was water once more, and Steve was reminded of the first time he saw Barb again. At least, in his dreams. And hadn’t really been feeling anything then either.

            “It’s not healthy to shut down your emotions,” Barb told him firmly. “You need to be somewhere.”

            “I don’t need to do anything,” Steve said.

            His voice was flat, even to his own ears. But he really did not want to fight with Barb. So, instead, he started walking. Barb followed, because of course she would. This was all happening inside of Steve’s head, and Barb was apart of his mind.

            “You still haven’t figured out what this is?” Barb suddenly asked.

            Steve stopped at that, turning to Barb.

            She rolled her eyes. “Steve, you are aware here, even more aware than a person should be. You can manipulate the space at will, more than Ellie ever could. You honestly don’t know?”

            Steve frowned this time. “Barb?”

            “The void,” Barb hummed out, starting to walk again. “The blank space. The netherworld. Hades. The lower world. The pit. The abyss. The ethereal plane. The spirit plane.”

            Steve knew these words, had heard them from the kids too. But there were two words that would confirm what Barb was telling him.

            “They all mean the same thing, Steve,” Barb said, turning to him. “The Astral Plane.”

            Steve could _feel_ his lungs stop working as that realization washed over him.

_“Astral Projection,” Dustin said. “The ability to disconnect one’s soul from their body for a period of time and travel to the astral plane. The projector then has the ability to manipulate and alter the astral plane at will to their desires. It also gives them the ability to travel the world as a type of spirit.”_

            “How?” Steve gasped out, staggering away from Barb-not-Barb.

            “Some people think it happens through meditation, or being at peace,” Barb told him, her tone far more informative than Steve would have liked. “Some people believe it’s a thing that happens when you sleep, and dreams are astral projections. Even more people believe many different things.”

            “ _How_?” Steve repeated.

            “You dissociated. You cut yourself off so much that you felt like you weren’t in your own body. So to bring peace, the astral plane brought you here.”

            “Brought me here?” Steve demanded, stepping back as Barb stepped closer. “Brought me here? Are you trying to tell me that the astral plane is _alive?_ ”

            Barb just smiled.

            “They’re waiting for you,” Barb spoke gently. “You’re lack of emotions caused time to draw out, and your friends are now waiting for you. It’s time to wake up, Steve.”

            _“NO!”_

            But his cry must have fell on dead ears because Steve’s vision began to swim, and he was gone. Trapped in a different kind of blackness with beeping sounds. And when he opened his eyes, he was greeted by a blinding light and extreme pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... I finished watching Umbrella Academy.... so does this mean the other 36 kids also have powers? Where the heck are they?


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: VERY GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF AFTERMATH OF VIOLENCE  
> -Blood (a lot)  
> -Vomit (also a lot)
> 
> EXTRA WARNING: CHAPTER IS SUPER SHORT AND NOT IN STEVE'S PERSPECTIVE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But seriously guys, this chapter is super short

            The moment Steve did not show up for school, Tommy instantly knew that something wasn’t right. And the look Carol gave as she seemed to come to the same conclusion was not helping his nerves. He bounced on his heels, waiting impatiently for Steve to just show and claim he forgot something. But that didn’t happen.

            The feeling in his chest only got worse when Steve’s gaggle of kids, minus Ellie, all grouped in front of the middle school and shot a look at the couple. Something was _wrong._

            “What a surprise,” Billy howled a cackle, causing everyone to turn to him. “King Steve didn’t show up! The coward!”

            Tommy didn’t care to take in the crowds’ reaction because Carol was suddenly gripping his arm. Tightly.

            “Tommy,” and the way her voice cracked on his name made his blood run cold. “You don’t think…”

            Why hadn’t he thought of that _before?_ How could he _forget?_

            The look he gave Carol was all either of them needed before they were bolting for the phone booth. Tommy hastily tried to yank his wallet out, but Carol was faster, shoving the quarters into the phone booth and typing in Steve’s number.

            “Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.”

            Carol froze a second later and slammed the phone back into the receiver. This was bad. This was very bad. This was worse than bad.

            _How could they forget Steve’s dad had been home?_

            Tommy wasted no time in shoving more quarters into the phone booth and typing in the number for the police station. A number Hopper had made them memorize for emergencies. And this was an emergency.

            _“Hawkins Police Station,”_ the old voice of Flo filled his ear. _“How can I help you?”_

“I need to talk to Chief Hopper,” Tommy spoke in a rush. “It’s important.”

            _“He’s a bit busy right now,”_ Flo tried.

            “No he isn’t,” Tommy hissed. “Not when someone is in danger. He needs to get to the Harrington House, and he needed to have been there by last night.”

            _“Who is this again?”_ Flo asked, sounding rather bored.

            “I’m Tommy, Tommy Hagan,” Tommy groaned in frustration. “And Steve Harrington is in trouble. He needs help. You need to tell Hopper that Steve needs help.”

            Flo let out a sound that clearly said she was done with teenagers and their stupid antics. _“I’ll see what I can do.”_

Tommy was not reassured, and Carol could only gaze at Tommy worriedly. They both knew what Steve’s father had done in the past. They both knew what could go wrong. They both knew that Steve was in danger.

            “Where’s Steve?” Dustin demanded.

            Turning around, Tommy and Carol were put face to face with five worried and determined kids. Steve’s worried and determined kids. The two of them exchanged a look.

\----------------------------------

            Lucas, Mike, and Will (on Dustin’s bike) agreed to book it to the police station while Max and Dustin ditched to the Harrington house to find Steve. Max was already pulling out her lock picks so she could get into the trunk of Steve’s car to retrieve the bat, but Tommy and Carol though it was to break into the house. They hadn’t seen Steve’s bat yet, so they were reasonably surprised when Max pulled it out. Dustin was furiously whisper-shouting into a headset, trying to figure out what was taking so long.

            “Let’s go,” Max snapped her head towards the door.

            She had a bat with nails. Tommy and Carol didn’t argue. Max, oddly enough, knocked on the door. When Mr. Harrington answered, he just barely backed up enough to avoid Max’s threatening swing. Even Dustin had a can of Farrah Fawcet hairspray (and they both knew where the kid got that) and a lighter. Probably not the best weapon, but neither Tommy nor Carol could deny that the guy deserved to burn.

            “Where is Steve?” Max demanded.

            “What, he’s into little kids now too?” Mr. Harrington slurred, clearly drunk. “Sick. Kid doesn’t deserve to be alive.”

            Forget the bat. That was Tommy’s thought as his fist went flying into Mr. Harrington’s face.

            Then he was storming into the house and marching to where he _knew_ he would find Steve. Carol was stronger than him anyways, and Max was clearly a force to be reckoned with. So he let the two red heads deal with the threat as he led Dustin to the dreaded door. Dustin had to unlock the door because his hands shook, and he almost pushed the kid away when he caught sight of the figure at the bottom.

            Steve was laying there, in a pool of blood and his own vomit, looking dead. He was far too pale, and the only too signs he was alive were the ragged sound of his breathing and the shivers that had taken over his body. If Steve had another concussion, Tommy was going to kill Mr. Harrington.

            “Hey, Tommy’s voice cracked as he looped his arms around Steve’s body. “Hey Stevie. You gotta wake up. Come on, buddy. It’s time to wake up.

            Steve didn’t stir, and it was in that moment that Tommy knew this wasn’t like the past beatings that Mr. Harrington had given Steve. He quickly took note of the amount of blood loss and vomit. Of the scratch in Steve’s back that was bleeding heavily. Of the bruise on Steve’s face. The lump on his face. The stained tear tracks. And of the horrible state of Steve’s wrist.

            “Call an ambulance,” Tommy turned to Dustin frantically. “Call an ambulance!”

            Tommy didn’t move until Hopper was in the house with two paramedics. The kids all demanded to go with, but Hopper convinced them to wait, to let Tommy and Carol go. And Tommy had a sick satisfaction rise in his chest as he watched Hopper arrest Steve’s father.

            “Stay with us, Stevie,” Carol whispered.

            Tommy couldn’t help but grip Steve’s good wrist. Subtly keeping a feel of Steve’s pulse.

            “You better not die.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow, the final chapter and a little longer. I promise.
> 
> Plus, the long awaited answers!!!!!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: VERY SERIOUS PLOT TWIST

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No suicide or anything in this one. Mostly fluff and answers that people need.

            Steve really hoped he didn’t have a concussion. From what he could tell, it was late at night, which meant visiting hours were probably over. And since he didn’t have any family who actually cared about him, everyone else was kicked out. Probably. Most likely. But, hey, El was curled into his side, fast asleep. That was nice.

            “Your wrist is broken,” El explained. Okay, not asleep. “You have a big cut on your back from one of the times you got thrown down the stairs. You have another bruise on your face, and a bump on your head.”

            She shifted so she was sitting up, so she could stare into his eyes.

            “No concussion.”

            Steve sighed in relief, reaching up with his good hand to run his hand through her hair. El leaned into the touch, like she thought she was never going to feel it again.

            “You lost blood,” she continued. “You were covered in sick. We didn’t think you would wake up. And I-I-I”

            El stopped, tears filling her eyes. Steve must have been on some serious pain meds because he couldn’t get his mouth to work, nor his face. All he could do was stare back. El let out a sob though, and that hurt, striking Steve in the heart.

            “I couldn’t find you.”

            Now that. That warranted a response.

            “I didn’t want you too,” he confessed. “Didn’t want you to see me.”

            El nodded, like she knew. Like she understood somehow. And, honestly, Steve didn’t doubt that she somehow did understand.

            “I’m okay Ellie,” he whispered softly. “I will be, at least.”

            El shook her head again.

            “No,” she said. “You’re not okay. But we want to help.”

            Then she was gingerly laying on his chest again, her hand falling over where his heart was. That was an odd reaction. It made Steve blink as he realized her other hand had grabbed at his wrist, feeling his pulse.

            “Ellie?” Steve breathed out, his words catching in his throat. “What-how-uh-how long was I-was I asleep?”

            El sniffed, clinging to Steve’s hospital gown with a tight fist. The action alone made Steve’s heart catch in his throat.

            The answer wasn’t at all comforting.

\------------------------------

            “Tommy cried,” was the comment that had Dustin racing out the door of the hospital room as Tommy chased him.

            “Tommy cried,” was also the comment that made Steve smile for the first time.

            Two weeks, Steve had been in the hospital for two weeks, completely unconscious, and according to the doctors, on his death bed. Steve hadn’t dreamed of Barb or the astral plane since that night he woke up from his comma. Hadn’t been back to the astral plane as far as he could tell either. Which meant he had a lot of questions.

            “We had enough evidence with you in a death comma to convict,” was the comment Hopper gave after a long conversation about telling superiors and adults. The comment that followed had Steve realizing he wouldn’t be seeing his father for a _very_ long time. “He can’t hurt you anymore.”

            “Do we tell him?” is the whispered comment of Dustin, folded by a punch from Max, a jab from Mike, and a slap to the back of the head from Lucas, that has Steve realizing his mom isn’t coming.

            “Mike’s just mad that you get to live at the cabin, and he can only see El once a week,” is the comment Will gives that has Steve reeling.

            His favorite comment, however, is the one he gets from his doctor.

            “You are officially free to go, Mr. Harrington.”

            Steve had thrown off hos covers and was grabbing the fresh clothes waiting for him before the doctor even finished his statement. He’d had enough of hospitals after his concussion. This was just getting obnoxious. He’d hastily signed the release form before he was bolting out of the hospital.

            “Get in, why don’t you,” Hopper teased as Steve roughly scrabbled into the police cruiser. “Honestly kid, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you hated hospitals.”

            “Just drive,” Steve quipped, scowling a bit.

            They didn’t go straight to the cabin. Instead, they went to the Byers, where dinner was laid out and waiting for them all. Quite honestly, Steve was afraid to touch it.

            “I helped,” Max said.

            And that was all the incentive Steve needed, because Max was literally the only person out of their group who could cook other than himself.

            “Okay, so you’ve got math pretty much down,” Nancy was reading the list off of homework Steve hadn’t finished while he was in the hospital. “You do, however, have that physics test in a few days. Then you’ve already caught up in history. Tina and Vicki said you were pretty okay in English, just that last paragraph or something.”

            “And coach is awaiting you in gym,” Tommy cackled. “Oh, I swear he is so _close_ to putting Hargrove in his place.”

            “Then he should hurry up and do it,” Max said as she shoved potatoes in her mouth.

            Steve just smiled as everyone talked, and taunted, and laughed. It felt nice. Like home. This, he decided, was a good thing.

            “Would you like to stay tonight, Steve?” Joyce asked softly.

            Steve didn’t even need to think about that answer.

            “Yeah.”

\-------------------------------------------

            Being on the Byers couch was nice, and once again, Steve didn’t dream. He wasn’t sure if that disappointed him or relieved him. And he still hadn’t told anyone about all of this. For now, it was his secret, and he wasn’t going to tell anyone about this until he saw Barb again. He needed to know.

            “You sleep okay?” Joyce asked as Steve stirred.

            Steve nodded as she ran a hand through her hair. The smell of breakfast, Jonathan’s specialty, wafted through the house. Will had to be coloring as he heard the sound of crayons scratch on paper. Hopper had to be outside as the door was open and the smell of smoke leaked into the house.

            Crayons, smoke, and breakfast. Steve wondered if this was what home was supposed to sell like.

            “Yeah,” he nodded back. “Yeah, that was really nice.”

            “I’m glad,” Joyce hummed.

            Then, waking Steve up fully, Joyce kissed his temple.

            “Come on, let’s get you up,” she ran a hand through his hair again. “Today’s a new day.”

            Yeah, it was a new day, and a new life. And, for once, things were going to be alright. Joyce pulled away as Steve slowly began to stand.

            The good things, that was what Barb-not-Barb had told him to look for.

            He hardly got to the bathroom before El was tackling him in a hug.

            “Brother,” El beamed up at him. “You’re my brother now.”

            Her smile was beyond contagious as Steve mulled that thought over. He’d always dreamed of having a younger sibling, or even an older one. Just someone he could love and would love him in return. But he’d also told himself it was best he never have another sibling because then that poor person would have to endure the same things he had.

            _Had._

_Past tense._

            That was over now. All of it. He didn’t have those same limitation anymore, and he loved El like a sister. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight, unable to stop the tears as the situation finally settled.

            “Sad?” El asked, pulling away to cup his face.

            Steve shook his head. “No, Ellie. Very, very happy.”

            “Good,” El nodded, as if she was making a final statement on an argument. “You deserve to be happy.”

            Did he? It was kind of hard to believe after everything, but El was seldom wrong. The good things. Yeah, this was a good thing too.

            “Your breath smells bad,” El suddenly said.

            Steve couldn’t help but laugh at that, he ruffled her hair and set out to go to the bathroom to get ready.

            He’d always wanted a sibling. Someone to love. Someone to love him. Someone to tease him. Someone to argue with. Someone to get angry with. Someone to forgive. Someone to hug. Someone to hold.

            What he really wanted was a real family, and as Will jumped on his back, as Jonathan playfully shoved him, as Joyce kissed his cheek, as Hopper ruffled his hair, and as Jane decided she wasn’t going to leave Steve’s lap through breakfast, Steve realized he had a family.

\------------------------------------

            “So you haven’t been to the cabin yet?” Robin asked as they tanned on the cold rock.

            Steve had brought blankets this time. And extra jackets. They weren’t exactly wearing them though, and choosing to use them as pillows as they burrowed under the blankets. The goal was not to catch hypothermia this time, but they still linked hands.

            “Ellie doesn’t like being cooped up too much, so she’s taking advantage,” Steve hummed. “And with my house no longer an option, she’s basically stuck between the cabin and The Byers’ place.”

            Robin didn’t know the details, but she was smart.

            “Yeah, well being accused of being a Russian spy as a child has got to be traumatizing,” Robin huffed.

            A little too smart.

            “That mall is opening up,” Steve spoke up. “I thought, that since we both know each other, and we kind of need the money since neither of us has much, that maybe we could get a job together. You know, so we can like, complain and stuff about it.”

            “Ice cream,” Robin said after a pause. “That way we can still get hypothermia from wearing too small outfits.”

            Steve snorted out a laugh as he squeezed Robin’s hand under the blankets.

            His mother had all but cut him off after getting her husband arrested. Not that she cared about him, but it had been a low blow to the Harrington name. She was too proud to realize her son was more important than her image. In the eyes of the public, Steve was just a whinny brat. Or, had been. When the charges were announced, and Mr. Harrington convicted, the public was suddenly painting Mrs. Harrington as a terrible person.

            The court was also looking into her, asking Steve off and on questions about what his mother knew and didn’t know. Steve was honest, but the police weren’t too keen on arresting another Harrington. Not when they were major business investors.

            “We’ll hate ice cream by the end of it,” Steve told her. “Like, we’ll never eat it again.”

            “Good, I don’t like ice cream all that much anyways.”

            There was a story there, but the way Robin’s face pinched let Steve know now wasn’t the time to ask.

            “Ice cream it is, then,” Steve said.

            Robin pressed closer to his side, needing the proximity. Her home life had… for lack of better term, improved. Slightly. It still wasn’t the best, but the cause of her pain was gone. For Robin, it had been her mother. Her parents had gotten a divorce when Robin was young, and her mother blamed Robin for the result. Her father had lost custody, and Robin had to runaway to talk to him and learn the truth behind the divorce. She hadn’t elaborated on that. But, recently, her mother had suffered a heart attack, and Robin had moved in with her mother’s sister and her husband.

            When her aunt and uncle realized something was wrong, having not been able to see the girl except once every other holiday despite living in Hawkins, they gladly filed for custody of Robin. They were kind, good for Robin. It was going to take time, but they were already breaking barriers.

            “Ice cream it is,” Robin said back.

\----------------------------------

            He was in Hopper’s cabin, staring at Barb. Which was a little ironic because he had only just come to the cabin a few hours ago, and after _cooking_ for Hopper and El, eating something besides stupid TV dinners, he had passed out on the bed Hopper had set up beside the TV. For now. Hopper was thinking of an extension, or maybe a new house altogether.

            “Welcome back,” Barb-not-Barb smiled at him. “You seem happier.”

            Steve just kind of nodded warily. He had been surprised, when he first came into the cabin, to realize it was _exactly_ like the dream he had in the astral plane last time. It made him wonder if he had traveled there instead of created it.

            “You dreamed it,” Barb-not-Barb read his thoughts. “But you did travel there once. Not that you would have remembered it. Your first few times astral projecting left you a bit… wonky.”

            “Wonky?” Steve questioned. “Wait, what do you mean my first few time?”

            Barb-not-Barb smiled at him. Rather than answer the question, she pointed to the trap door under the couch. Once more, just like the first time, Steve felt the pull of something calling to him. He made his way to the door, pushing the couch aside and moving the rug. He didn’t open the door, not yet.

            “What am I going to-”

            But Barb-not-Barb was gone, and he was back in the black space with the water floor. He looked around frantically before glancing down at the floor.

            _The trap door was still there._

            With a deep breath, Steve lifted open the door and slid inside. He was then surrounded by a white, padded, hospital room. Rather small and without doors. In fact, the only thing in the room was a bed. A bed with a small child sitting on it.

            “Hello,” the child greeted.

            “Hi?” Steve managed to squawk out. “Where-where are we?”

            “The astral plane,” the child informed. “Your friend already told you that.”

            “Okay,” Steve nodded slowly. “Uh, I’m Steve.”

            “I know,” the child smiled, something true and genuine. “I’ve been watching you. I am the one that called you here.”

            Steve eyed the child. “Why?”

            “Because you were sad,” the child said. “You were sad, and my sister and her friends were worried about you. So I called you here.”

            “Sister?”

            The child’s smile became sad as they stretched out their arm. Steve couldn’t help but stare at the mark on the arm. So familiar, and yet so different at the same time.

            **004**

            “Papa thought my power was beautiful,” Four told Steve. “He thought he could exploit it and use it. Rather than marvel, he twisted it, trying to make it more beautiful. But all he did was destroy me.”

            Steve was going to ask what that meant when something in his head click. This child had no gender, there was nothing Steve could read, nothing he could pick up. It was like the child was just there, but not at all in a body.

            “My soul tied itself to the astral plane in order to protect me,” Four said. “And I watch people, create spaces, save people. Like you.”

            Steve wanted to ask why, but he thought asking a question that was already answered twice already was a terrible idea. He wasn’t sure what else to say.

            “I can’t leave the astral plane,” Four told him. “Well, I could probably do it if I took a host, but I don’t want to take away a person’s life. So I take the lives of people who are hurt and bring the here. I can’t save everyone, but I was determined with you.”

            Because El loved him went unsaid, but it didn’t need to be said.

            “Don’t you get lonely?” Steve asked.

            “Sometimes,” Four nodded. “I’ve learned taking a form in front of most people normally scares them. So I take memories of people they know and use those. For you, it had to be Barb.”

            “Why?”

            Four’s smile brightened. No, not a smile, more like an overall feeling of happiness.

            “Because she represents your inability to forgive yourself,” Four said. “Nancy Wheeler never saw, nor did anyone else. But Barb eats you alive. She never blamed you though. I was with her in her last moments. I couldn’t save her either, but I know she never blamed you or Nancy.”

            And that actually settled something for Steve, deep within him.

            “It’s nearly morning,” Four said. “Time for you to wake up. Just use the ladder to the trap door and you’ll be awake in a few hours.”

            Steve eyed the child as he turned around, hypothetical back to Steve as if to say goodbye. And Steve was reminded of El in that moment. Steve backed slowly to the ladder, still watching Four from a distance.

            “Four!” he finally called, one hand on the ladder. Four slowly turned to look back at him. “If you ever need to talk to someone, ever don’t want to be alone, you can call me in my dreams. You don’t have to be alone anymore.”

            Four smiled at Steve, an overwhelming feeling of happiness, joy, and relief feeling the room. And Steve smiled back, relaxing into the feeling. Then he climbed the ladder with one final glance back at Four.

            Four, Steve realized as he woke up that morning with El tucked into his side. Four had taught him to dream. Four had taught him to live. And he was going to teach Four what it meant to have a family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah. The ending. I probably will not be doing a sequel. If that upsets you, ask, and I may just let you write a sequel yourself. If you want. But ask. 
> 
> I am currently working on another book. Just for a hint, I am taking the premise behind "The Sister of Steve Harrington" (which is my own book) and giving it a different spin. It will be post cannon (so season 2, not season 3 cause I don't have enough info yet for that). And it will deal with Steve and El as well as our favorite (and not so favorite) characters. But mostly Steve and El. I want the plot to be a surprise, so that is all I will say.


End file.
